AS member for Runcorn and Helsby, I know how to survive in hostile environments. So my ten weeks inside will be spent as the f**king Daddy:
Make a weapon
Everyone in Britain knows how to make a shiv out of a toothbrush or a cosh from snooker balls in a sock. Half the Commons has done it. I’ll manufacture mine on day one, and assume a minor slash wound prevents any form of retaliation and there are no repercussions from ruining a snooker game between two violent criminals.
Intimidate
In Watchmen, Rorschach snarls: ‘I’m not locked in here with you, you’re locked in here with me.’ I’ve come up with my own threatening catchphrase: ‘Cross me and I’ll do you like you’re a f**king constituent, mate’. They’ve seen what I hand out to a man complaining about temporary bridge closures in a taxi queue. They’ll back off.
Use my political influence
If fellow inmates help me out with vapes, spice or oral sex, I’ll quid pro quo. My connections can get them a Keir Starmer ‘Change’ mug, Labour Party membership or a £574,000 solar farm contract. That should win me friends.
Take down the toughest guy on day one
It works the same in Parliament. On his first day, Starmer walked straight up to Eric Pickles and kneed him in the corpulent nuts. That’s why he gets respect. I’ll do the same with whichever seven-foot psycho is dominating the yard. With lateral thinking like this you can see why I’m an MP.
Make prison hooch
Alcohol makes you friends – look at my own recent experience – and life inside is one long party. I’ll be manufacturing my own ‘bread lager’ and ‘chateau d’orange juice’ in bin bags behind radiators. When I get out I probably won’t ever need to buy booze from pubs again.
Devise your own Shawshank strategy
In The Shawshank Redemption, Andy Dufresne uses his accountancy skills for preferential treatment. I have an equally valuable skill – I used to be a careers advisor. Once I’m giving fellow cons valuable career insights like ‘Do you like working outdoors or do you see yourself more in an office environment?’ I’ll be protected.
Sell drugs
It’s basic, but it works in the Strangers Bar. Get a regular supply of drugs, make it known, sit back and wait for the other MPs – sorry, inmates – to queue up to get obliterated. Angela’s smuggling me in 200 Tramadol on visiting day. They’ll get me through ten weeks, then I’ll return to my elected position as representative for Runcorn and Helsby.
