AFTER a hard day being Tory leader, there’s nothing I like more than to chillax with a mango ice vape, some Charlie XXX and spawning into a nice relaxing game of Fortnite. I find it very nang.
‘But wait, that sounds surprisingly modish for a Conservative leader,’ you’re probably thinking. Aren’t we just a bunch of stuffy old politicians whose attempts to look cool are always agonisingly embarrassing? Take a chill pill, daddio – the Conservative Party of 2025 is down wit da yute!
Yes, it would be unusual if I went into Conservative HQ without seeing shadow education minister Laura Trott making a TikTok video, or our justice secretary Robert Jenrick playing Grand Theft Auto V – without breaking the law at any point, of course!
Let me be clear – this is in no way connected with yesterday’s news that the voting age is being lowered to 16. I merely wanted to remind voters that the Tories are, and always have been, the party of young people. Rory Stewart has a podcast. Louise Mensch took drugs. Boris Johnson married a woman 24 years younger than himself.
Unlike Labour and Reform, young persons are a top priority for us. Just yesterday Chris Philp said to me: ‘Love the drip, Kemi, but what are we going to do for the 16-21 mandem when we form the next government?’
I replied in a similarly youth-oriented fashion: ‘Bruh, all young persons will receive an Amazon voucher worth £200 to help them get started in life with things like pots and a spatula.’ ‘Big yikes,’ he replied excitedly. ‘That policy proposal is bussin’!’
And it does not end there. We propose faster tunnel-digging in Minecraft, replacing difficult, unpopular school subjects like maths and chemistry with watching Dua Lipa videos, and more of what young people need most – very small rental flats.
So as you can see, there is only one party that has a genuine understanding of young people and modern youth culture. Vote Tory in 2029, fellow kids. It will be totes amazeballs.
