ARE you setting up tables, chairs and a six-ring gas hob in very limited space at a summer festival? You’re probably being a dick in these ways too:

Insisting on having fully-extended, perpendicular guy ropes

Guy ropes are no doubt important if you’re camping on a wind-lashed mountain in the Alps, but in a packed field at a middle-class festival in Surrey the likelihood of your tent blowing away is very limited. But don’t let that stop you extending them to their fullest to create multiple trip hazards and tutting when someone falls over them every 30 seconds. That will really endear you to your fellow campers.

Setting up a full outdoor kitchen

Yes, food at festivals is expensive, but even if you were purchasing £14 falafel wraps three times a day it wouldn’t be as much as you’ve spent on that foldaway table and benches, six-ring hob and massive bottle of Calor gas. The only reason for a set-up like this is to show off about how much money you have. Everyone will hate you, unless you offer them all a hangover-curing bacon sandwich every morning.

Bringing a musical instrument

Getting your guitar out early on a Sunday morning and tuning it up for a wholesome sing-song is going to severely annoy the hundred or so people in close proximity who are sweating their way through a monstrous comedown. Also, you’re at a musical festival, so why not leave it to the professionals and keep your atrocious rendition of Valerie to yourself?

Erecting a toilet tent

It’s no secret that festival toilets are some of the most disgusting places on earth, but is it worse to endure one for five minutes a few times a day or sleep next to one? Because if you put up a special little tent with a bucket in it so you’ve got your own place to shit, that’s basically what you’ll be doing. Also, some drunk idiot is guaranteed to knock it over in the night, meaning you’ll be cleaning poo off your outdoor rug when you could be watching Wet Leg. Although maybe that’s preferable.

Attempting to impose a noise curfew

Whether you’ve brought your kids with you, or you’re here for the healing field rather than the all-night rave tent, telling other people to keep the noise down will only serve to single your tent out as the place everyone will go for a piss in the night when they can’t be arsed to find the portaloos. And you’ll deserve to wake up in a river of piss, to be fair.

Having a huge gazebo full of dickhead mates

What’s worse than one single bellend in a tent is when loads of their bellend mates turn up and erect tents in a circle, and then put up a huge gazebo in the middle. Cue a huge gathering of twats acting like they own the place. Be sure to piss on the their tents as well, they all deserve it.