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France vs Rwanda: Which will stop the boats?

TWO deals with foreign countries were made to stop boats of migrants coming to our shores. But which was best? We compare and contrast the two. 

Proximity

France: Just across the channel and where the boats are coming from, so physically in good position to affect them

Rwanda: 4,376 miles away and landlocked

Governance

France: Western democracy with strong history of keeping deals made with the UK, key ally in two World Wars

Rwanda: Corrupt one-party state with record of taking money from Western governments, not providing the promised service and keeping it regardless

Deterrent

France: A nation of lovers, gourmets, and artists that only occasionally indulges in police brutality against non-white residents. Maybe 15 major incidents a year, maximum

Rwanda: Scary to migrants entirely ignorant of Rwanda despite being from the same continent, who know of it only from the terrifying sponsorship on Arsenal’s sleeves

Cost

France: Not yet revealed but it will be too much

Rwanda: £700 million for four migrants, or £175m per migrant

Proposed by

France: A traitor who doesn’t love Brexit in cahoots with an EU technocrat

Rwanda: A prime minister with vision, sagacity and a statutory fine for breaking lockdown rules received the previous day which he was desperate to distract from

Chance of success

France: If allowed by the EU and expanded beyond a pilot scheme could vastly reduce the numbers of migrants coming illegally to the UK

Rwanda: None but that wasn’t the point. It provided a valuable fixed point of xenophobic cruelty for lefties to abhor and the right wing to rally around, which is more important

Chance of being reported as a success

France: Zero. The media is already furious that the boats weren’t stopped by a press conference about it and are committed to four years of stories about Reform’s momentum

Rwanda: An absolute and total success abandoned only because of whiners and traitors, like the poll tax. This was our finest hour

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How to get that middle-aged, two-pints-from-violence Oasis fan look: A guide for the young

SEEING Oasis live this weekend? Get the appropriate ‘pissed-up gobshite who’s mad for a fight’ look with this straightforward guide.

Wear a two-sizes-too-small parka

Middle-aged Oasis fans are no longer the svelte creatures they were during Britpop, but that hasn’t stopped them squeezing their bloated forms into their old parka jackets and Fred Perry shirts. If you don’t have a paunch, you can recreate this signature look by wrestling on extra-small clothes and stuffing a pillow down your top. Leave a bit of belly on show for the full effect. 

Swagger like a prick

Looking like a middle-aged Oasis fan isn’t just about the clothes, the spirit of the band should be channeled through your body too. All you have to do is waddle around like you’ve shat yourself with your arms outstretched and an arrogant smirk on your face. Who cares if the Gallagher brothers have mellowed somewhat in their older age, this aesthetic is all about living in the past, no matter how cringe it looks.

Style your hair badly

An easy mistake to make is to go for a 60s mod cut with a modern twist. But remember, you’re trying to look like a fan, not Liam and Noel themselves. That means you need to break out the clippers and fade in a suitably receding hairline, then pathetically try to cover it up by combing over any remaining strands. On the plus side it doesn’t count as cultural appropriation, so you’ll only look ridiculous and not problematic.

Down a load of cans

A daunting task for today’s alcohol-averse youth. Back in the 90s, a four-pack of Stella was bare minimum pre-loading before getting properly rat-arsed in the pub then a club. Gen Z lightweights will be pretty pissed after a few cans though, so don’t overdo it. You don’t want to get so drunk you can’t ruin every song by tunelessly chanting along to it.

Confront everyone and everything

Cosplaying as an elderly Oasis fan goes beyond looking like an ageing Gen Xer. To truly capture the spirit of the fanbase, you need to start a fight with other audience members, arena staff, pub windows, cars, and basically anything within your field of vision. If you’re struggling to get your rage up to the necessary levels, just remember you paid £346 for your ticket.

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