GREGG Wallace has been protesting that he has autism, so it must be a rare type that makes you sexually harass people. If you’re concerned you might be affected, here is a checklist of symptoms.
Missing social cues
People with Wallace’s Autism often have difficulty responding to subtle social cues such as ‘Stop touching my arse!’. Sadly this is indistinguishable from simply being groped by a celebrity prick who thinks he’s God’s gift to women because he’s on the telly, but research is sure to confirm it’s a real medical condition.
Intrusive sexual thoughts about food
Neurotypical people see food and say something like ‘That looks nice’, but an individual with Wallace’s Autism will feel compelled to blurt out: ‘I’m desperate to dip that pork into something wet!’ If you keep having barely coherent smutty thoughts about food with no obvious sexual connotations – eg. ‘I’d like to give that cod fillet a good rub with my onions!’ – you are definitely on the spectrum.
Not wearing pants
Despite this being a very new condition, doctors have identified the symptom of not wearing boxer shorts and telling women about it. Gregg himself has highlighted the fact that some autistic people are hypersensitive to clothes, so we can add another symptom to Wallace’s Autism: being a scumbag who shamelessly exploits a real developmental disability.
Strongly-held delusions
Gregg claims he was hired because he was a ‘cheeky greengrocer… a real person with warmth, character, rough edges and all’. This obviously does not correspond with the reality that most people thought he was another overpaid BBC presenter who you watched because contestants having a breakdown over a soufflé was mildly diverting. Luckily such delusions can usually be treated with common anti-psychotic drugs. Or you can just stop being a self-regarding, egotistical twat.
A laughable sense of victimhood
Sufferers have a tendency to implausibly portray themselves as victims, as with Gregg’s statement that: ‘Nothing was done to protect me from what I now realise was a dangerous environment for over 20 years.’ If you find yourself creating a version of the facts that is laughably bollocks and you’re not an Israeli government spokesman or Karoline Leavitt, you are probably suffering from Wallace’s Autism.
Certain enhanced abilities
The film Rain Man has been criticised for its portrayal of autism, but ‘savant’ abilities like Dustin Hoffman’s exceptional memory are real, just very rare. In the same way, individuals with Wallace’s Autism can perform astonishing feats, such as being worth a supposed £5 million for spouting minimally-amusing gibberish like: ‘It’s an Aladdin’s Cave of pudding delights!’
