BEFORE Gen Z came along, life was devoid of pleasure, style and emotional nuance. Thank goodness they invented all these things completely by themselves:
Holidays
In the bad old days before Gen Z explained the importance of holidays and travel, people toiled away 52 weeks of the year, and if their employer gave them an occasional week off they would just stay at home staring at the walls. Luckily Gen Z showed us this time could be used to chill, go to a different place, and microdose retirement decades ahead of schedule. We’re eternally grateful to them for their genius innovation.
Feeling sad
Nobody in history has felt the cavernous sadness endured by Gen Z. Sure, people in the past endured hardships like war and poverty, but just ignored it instead of analysing their feelings endlessly in annoyingly vague terms. Zoomers on the other hand know the despair of bombing on TikTok and living with the fear that you might be sent a passive-aggressive thumbs-up emoji.
Breathing
Just as Mount Everest technically existed before it was discovered, humans have been breathing for centuries, but it took Gen Z to raise awareness of the phenomenon. Boomers through to Millennials have been breathing all wrong and using outdated terminology instead of the correct terms like ‘intersectional air consumption privilege’.
Eating
The act of eating has baffled scientists since the dawn of time. People were aware there was some connection between food and staying alive, but it’s only thanks to Gen Z posting pictures of their meals on social media and droning on about their half-arsed veganism that we’ve realised how important food is. What happens to food once it’s swallowed remains a mystery, but it’s surely only a matter of time before Zoomers discover taking a dump. Look forward to the TikTok videos.
Sleeping
Do you find yourself passing out on your bed only to wake up refreshed and restored seconds later? No, you don’t have a bizarre medical condition. This process is actually called ‘sleeping’, and it seems that most people do it on a daily basis. We know this because Gen Z extensively research ‘sleep’ every morning when their parents are trying to get them up for school.
Mullets
It’s frankly embarrassing that people didn’t think to style their hair in fashionable mullets before Gen Z stumbled upon them like Alexander Fleming accidentally discovering penicillin. Fortunately society has now got the ultimate aesthetically pleasing haircut at its disposal, one that will never age like the cringe styles of yore. Make sure to take plenty of pictures of these mullets for posterity and future humiliation.
