Subscribe

Nobody enjoying self-written vows less than bride and groom

A COUPLE who wrote their own highly personal wedding vows were as embarrassed saying them as their guests were listening to them, it has emerged.

Sophie Rodriguez and Tom Booker decided to eschew the traditional wedding promises, before realising on the day that the usual vows are less likely to make the entire congregation visibly cringe.

Rodriguez said: “We thought our love was too special and unique to be bound by the usual boilerplate pledges, so we came up with our own.

“Unfortunately I’ve never wanted to be a generic drop in the human ocean more than when Tom was six minutes deep into a speech about ‘my beautiful angel soul’.

“Obviously I should have vetted it first, but he’s a grown man rather than a teenage girl writing a journal, so I did not expect to hear phrases like ‘you are the moon and stars in my sky’. Honestly, I’ve never fancied him less.

“The worst bit was when he referred to me as his ‘partner in crime’. Did he lift that straight from an episode of Married At First Sight? One of my bridesmaids sniggered, and fair f**king play to her. I think we were all praying he’d shut the f**k up.”

Booker said: “Well, she said she couldn’t wait to become ‘Mrs Big Bad Stud’. I will never be able to forget my poor grandmother’s face.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

A practical guide to claiming all those lovely benefits it's so easy to get

ARE you furious about sickness benefits supposedly paying more than a job? Clearly it’s time to start claiming yourself since it’s so easy and lucrative. Here’s how:

Start your claim

Let’s claim Personal Independence Payment as that’s the trendy one and clearly pays big bucks. First you need the form. Here’s the number so you don’t even need to google it: 0800 917 2222. Get on with it, then. You’ve been ranting about scroungers for years, so you may as well get paid for doing f**k all too, right? 

Pack in your job

Now your claim’s underway you can stop working. Go into the office and tell your colleagues you’ve enjoyed working with them, but you’ve got a better opportunity on benefits. They’ll be jealous you’re going to be rich while they’re stuck in an office earning a salary they can live on which won’t suddenly stop being paid without warning.

Choose a fake illness

All benefits pay well, but for the top-dollar sickness benefits you’ll need a bogus illness like all the other claimants. What you choose is up to you: back pain is the classic skiver’s choice, but what about a nice mental condition? Depression sounds like a doss, or what about autism? Who cares if it’s just a Gen Z fad like mullets or being transgender – you’ll still be coining it in.

Go to the doctor 

Now you need to quickly pop into the doctor’s and say you’ve got the autism or whatever. There won’t be any hassle like being referred to a specialist or going for tests. Your GP will just hand you a ‘Too Sick To Work, Give Them All The Benefits’ certificate with a sly nod and a wink.

Decide what to spend the money on 

If you’ve followed these instructions you’re well on your way to Easy Street, so take a moment to plan how you’ll spend all the money. PIP pays a staggering £73.90 a week and a mobility allowance of £29.20, so once you’ve bought drinks for all your mates and a house there’ll be loads left for whatever you fancy – cocaine binges, collecting Ferraris, playing the stock market, or just going on a luxury African balloon safari every day. 

Do a piss-easy DWP assessment

This definitely won’t be a charade that in no way corresponds to the reality of long-term illness, administered by a medically unqualified grunt from Serco or a Jobcentre Plus minion ordered to get people off benefits. But if they do set you a test like asking you to pick up a pen, they’re easy to fail. Just scream: ‘IT’S SO HEAVY! LIKE A JUMBO JET! OH GOD! THE PAIN! I’M DYING FROM THE PAIN!’ No one will argue with a convincing performance like that.

Kick back and enjoy life on benefits

You’ve cleared all the hurdles, so mix yourself a cocktail, turn on your 75” TV and start browsing foreign holidays you’ll be making hardworking taxpayers pay for. It really is this easy to live it up on benefits, so it’s a mystery why more permanently angry right-wingers don’t do it. Still, it’s more money for you and all the other skivers. Cheers!

Next story ›