How to not send an email that risks 100,000 lives and costs £7 billion

WORRIED you might be about to send the most expensive and life-endangering email ever sent? But it’s 4.58pm? Here’s how to do the most basic checks: 

Look at who you’ve CC’d in

When handling sensitive information like a list of names of those seeking sanctuary from the Taliban, it’s important to double check who you’re sending your email to. Your boss is fine, their boss is fine, but make sure you haven’t copied in the whole office or [email protected]. HR could be displeased.

Use a neutral subject line

Snappy, attention-grabbing subject lines will only draw attention to the contents of your email from the UK’s military antagonists. ‘Don’t miss out! Juicy state secrets’ or ‘Spreadsheet exclusive: all the names you’re looking for!’ are unwise. A blank subject line will help your email get lost in the Taliban’s inbox, or even better send it straight to spam.

Review the attachments

Few things are more embarrassing than forgetting to include an attachment in your email, although dutifully add a spreadsheet containing a comprehensive list of Afghan soldiers is definitely worse. If you find yourself in this situation, save the country billions by swapping it for a cute gif of a cat leaping off a countertop.

Proofread

With any professional communication, it’s good practice to give the contents a once-over before sending. Not only will it weed out rogue apostrophes and spelling mistakes, it’ll also highlight whether or not you’ve inadvertently divulged details that will need to be kept behind a super-injunction for three years. Edit down until you’re looking at an empty draft.

Use schedule send

So you’ve decided to go ahead with an email that betrays the personal details of thousands? That’s exactly what scheduled send was invented for. Rather than sending immediately, give yourself time to consider whether you really want to send the full list of coalition combatants to a hardline Islamic regime. It may be imprudent.

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Sycamore Gap prisoners confronted by group of oaks in showers

THE men who cut down the Sycamore Gap tree have been cornered by a copse of menacing oaks in the prison showers hissing ‘Where’s your chainsaw now?’ 

Daniel Graham and Adam Carruthers were naked and terrified when the trees, believed to be members of the feared prison gang the Arboreal Nation, advanced upon them with their whippiest branches raised.

Mature oak Steve Malley, serving a six-year stretch for deliberately shedding a limb onto a police car, said: “Not so tough now, are you? Not so f**king tough now?

“Yeah, that sycamore may have been a stuck-up bastard overly proud of his position but at root he was a deciduous native just like us. And you bastards murdered him.

“Maybe you didn’t know how we feel about chainsaws. About sneaky twats who arrive in the dead of night to cut themselves a wedge of a 125-year-old and high-five themselves for doing it. Well, you’re about to find out.

“It’s payback time. Hold them down, boys. Going to fill your bitch asses with acorns like it’s autumn and I’m a motherf**king squirrel.”

Prison officer Bill McKay said: “Hear anything? I can’t hear anything.”