I'm not a goth, says teenage goth

A 16-YEAR-OLD goth has denied being a goth, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. 

Joshua Hudson of Leeds wears black eyeliner, pointed black boots and a leather greatcoat all year round, even in temperatures of 30° and above. He also has completely ungothic lank black hair and a large ‘Sisters of Mercy’ tattoo.

Preferring not to use his real name whenever possible, Hudson goes by the moniker ‘The Lizard Whisperer’. None of these things, he claims, are goth.

He said: “It’s just lazy pigeonholing by the media. I am not a goth. A goth is a sheep who follows the crowd like a robot without a mind of their own and that is not me.

“I’m one of an army of thousands of black-clad, tattooed people who aren’t goths, all with radically different, individual tastes that mean we listen to anyone from Marilyn Manson to The Sisters Of Mercy to The Cramps to The Sisters Of Mercy. 

“Every year we flock to Whitley Bay for the Annual Festival of Non-Goths. Yes, we dress in many shades of jet black but we are united in one thing: we are as much goths as Siouxsie Sioux or Morticia from The Addams Family

“The very thought is laughable. Except we don’t laugh, because we’re too busy thinking about death, catacombs and vampires.”

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Woman mistakes her list of allergies for interesting personality

A WOMAN erroneously believes her various food allergies are evidence of what a truly fascinating character she has.

Nikki Hollis is allergic to wheat, gluten, nuts and, she hopes, if tests come back positive, dairy. These allergies, she believes, cause her to be a rarified and exquisitely sensitive soul, somehow or other. 

Hollis said: “Yes, it’s true that at any social gathering, regardless of the topic – football, global warming, politics, Love Island, a bereavement – I will as quickly as possible find a way to bring the topic round to my growing collection of food allergies.

“But it’s not that I’m showing off. I feel I need to share my allergies with ordinary, some would say boring, people, who do not realise the profoundly life-changing journey I have been on.

“I’m not looking for sympathy. My allergies don’t cause me constant pain, nausea and exhaustion. Sometimes they’re quite subtle, such as a slight hardening of my stools when I eat non-gluten-free bread. That counts.

“You should check your stools after consuming different food types. It might be that you have an undiagnosed high level of interestingness, like me.”

Emma Bradford, Hollis’s oldest friend said: “I’ve known Nikki for ages but recently I’ve developed an allergy to her allergies that makes me want to force-feed her peanuts. Funny how allergies can just suddenly come on.”