Reason you're poor reports record profits

BRITISH Gas’s record profits make total sense because they are the reason you and others can barely afford food.

The energy company’s bumper £969 million windfall – an increase of almost 900 per cent – comes as a surprise to absolutely nobody because they have been squeezing you and every other customer until the pips squeak for the last year.

British Gas user Wayne Hayes said: “Sounds about right. Surprised they didn’t hit a billion to be honest. My last bill certainly did its f**king part.

“You don’t need to be a maths whizz to figure out that a smart meter with a scary number on it will make someone a lot of money. Multiply your own reading by the number of people with British Gas and you’ve got shitloads.

“Does it make them happy? Or do stacks of cash lose all meaning after a certain point? I couldn’t spend all that in several lifetimes so God knows what they’re going to do with it, except not pass it on to us plebs.

“Maybe a fleet of shiny company cars takes the edge off the knowledge that you’re destroying the planet. The should lend me one to pick up my dried pasta and beans from the food bank.”

A British Gas spokesperson said: “This was meant to be a one-off profit, but it’s gone down so well with shareholders we thought why not make it a regular thing?

“Thanks in advance for liking hot food and not wanting pneumonia.”

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Man mourning Sinead O'Connor in way that reflects well on him

A MAN is mourning the late Sinead O’Connor by remembering all the times he agreed with her and was proven right over the years.

Thomas Booker, 49, has told the world via social media that O’Connor’s voice was important not only because it was beautiful, but because it was radical, before listing a number of her political positions that were also his.

He said: “I didn’t share Nothing Compares 2 U on Insta. Know why? Because political tracks like Black Boys on Mopeds are far more representative of the anger I felt and she articulated.

“Also, that time she tore up the picture of the Pope on telly? I was right there with her. Not directly, because they didn’t show Saturday Night Live over here, but when I read about it in the papers and when I found out it was about abuse some years later.

“Lots of people get less radical as they get older, but not me and Sinead. We never quit on our beliefs, me by fighting for Jeremy Corbyn on Twitter and her in the songs from her more recent albums. I won’t name them because you wouldn’t know them.

“And, like her, I’ve shaved my head, though I only started doing it in my early 40s. She beat me to it on that one! Still I think people recognise the commonality and the commitment.

“It’s sad to see so many claiming to mourn when they didn’t understand her. I’ll get out there and correct them. It’s what she would have wanted.”