Piss droplets that just won't shake: Six toilet hazards men stoically face every day

WOMEN may be fated to suffer the pain of childbirth, but it’s nothing compared to the hell a man must endure whenever he needs a wee. Here are just some of the grave dangers.

Piss droplets that just won’t shake

All men, rich and poor, of any colour or creed, know there is simply nothing to be done about that final droplet of piss. Even the most vigorous and robust shake is never enough to release the stubborn bastard. In the worst nightmare scenario, droplets may reach your light trousers, an incident that colleagues will forever refer to as ‘Steve’s damp patch’.

The horror of a befouled men’s room

Women’s toilets are, presumably, wonderful places with flower arrangements, scented candles, violinists and possibly woodland fairies flitting about gaily. Men’s toilets, on the other hand, are a horrifying indictment of man’s limitless depravity. Walk into the wrong public toilet and you’ll see something so ungodly it will mentally scar you for life – like a turd in a sink.  

The social politics of the urinal

The modern world is strange. We have affordable luxury and privacy, but men still have to line up like pigs at a trough and piss in unison. The unspoken rules of urinal etiquette make the experience more tense and complicated than a Christopher Nolan film, from what constitutes an acceptable shake to being wedged between two fat lads, feeling so self-conscious you’re unable to muster even a dribble.  

Being cast into oblivion by the motion sensor at work

What could be better than getting paid to drop a deuce? However a lengthy shit at work can result in the Lovecraftian nightmare of the motion sensor switching the light off, hurling you into a pitch-black abyss. To avoid wiping blind, you have to wave your arms around like a castaway on a desert island desperately signalling to a plane. Your arse will eventually be clean, but the indignity doesn’t wipe away so easily.

Male noises

The sounds heard in a men’s toilet are not human. They more closely resemble the kind of noises you’d hear in a zoo’s warthog enclosure. It isn’t the sounds of the anus you fear, although those are unpleasant enough, it’s the chorus of coughs, grunts and moans that are most psychologically unsettling.  

Unpredictable penis aim

Imagine pouring yourself a glass of milk. Now imagine that, instead of going into the glass, the milk spurts out of the bottle like a volcano and drenches the ceiling. That’s what it’s like to own a penis. You’ll endure a lifetime of spraying toilet seats and bathroom floors like a tomcat. Even meticulous safety planning can’t prevent an occasional misfire, so it’s lucky you just hit the porcelain tiles and not Gavin from marketing’s legs.

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10 celebrity fantasy shags that make you deep and interesting

TIRED of people drooling over predictable hotties like Margot Robbie or Timothée Chalamet? Impress them with these shaggable celebrities who suggest you’re an erudite free-thinker.

Cobie Smulders

Everyone fancies Scarlett Johansson or Chris Hemsworth, but what about Cobie Smulders as S.H.I.E.L.D agent Maria Hill? Okay, she’s not the most crucial Marvel character, but she puts in the hours on the helicarrier. By fancying her you’re standing up for the little guy, although in this case the little guy is an extremely attractive actress in a skintight jumpsuit.


Superman is quite boring, but there’s always his psychopathic alternative version Homelander (Antony Starr) from Amazon’s phenomenally violent superhero series The Boys. Okay, he deliberately burnt his lover/mother substitute to death with his laser vision, but he realises he has emotional issues due to being grown in a laboratory. Ideal for women who like talking about feelings. 

Naomi Wolf

Feminists don’t get more shaggable than Naomi in the 90s. You’ll definitely earn a few right-on points for fancying the smokin’ hot author of The Beauty Myth. Just don’t mention that you preferred her when she was younger and slimmer.

Taylor Swift the Cat 

The acceptable face of bestiality. Men who fancy Taylor Swift are ten a penny, but you need to be extremely broadminded, even pansexual, to get past the Cats version with whiskers and furry breasts. Not to mention the disturbing/arousing mental image of Ms Swift licking her own arse. Sadly not everyone is as liberal as you, so you might want to point out this fantasy is specifically in relation to Taylor Swift, and you don’t go around molesting local cats.

Vislor Turlough 

Doctor Who fans are quick to profess their love for Leela, Amy Pond, Rory, ‘Hot Master’ Sacha Dhawan, Romanas 1 and 2, etc., but what about Turlough? Good-looking and a more interesting companion than usual, secretly being an ensign in the Trion space navy and commanded by the Black Guardian. More importantly, if you’ve got the faintest idea what any of that means, you almost certainly hang out with sad bastard ‘Whovians’ who’ll be impressed by that sort of thing.


Further to the previous fantasy shag, the most overlooked Doctor Who companion has to be Nyssa, who is attractive, intelligent, cutely dressed as some sort of Victorian pixie, and has the rare distinction of once being trapped in a mathematical equation, which beats your real girlfriend telling you about the photocopier being broken at work.

Dr Reed Richards 

It’s cool to be attracted to men with brains – in theory. Unfortunately the pinnacle of male attractiveness in the scientific community is Brian Cox, so you’re better off with the Fantastic Four’s Dr Reed Richards, whose various incarnations tend to be good-looking. Also he can change the size and shape of his body parts, which has interesting possibilities. Like not having to get out of bed for a 2am piss.

Rebecca Ferguson

It’s Timothée Chalamet this, Timothée Chalamet that with Dune, but there are plenty of other cuties on the desert planet of Arrakis, not least Oscar Isaac and Rebecca Ferguson as Lady Jessica. She’s a powerful Bene Gesserit witch so she could mind-control you whenever she felt like it, eg. when it’s her turn to load the dishwasher, so she’s probably not for drippy blokes who aren’t comfortable with assertive women.


You don’t have to be painfully woke to realise going out with James Bond would be a bloody mare, what with the STDs and, in Daniel Craig’s case, being a black hole of misery sucking the joy out of everything and moaning about every little middle-aged ache and pain. So why waste your time when there’s M in the form of handsome Ralph Fiennes? Sure, he’s never the one chasing SPECTRE agents, but he does look as though he knows his way around a posh restaurant menu, which would be much more useful in a boyfriend role.

Scarlet Witch

Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness must be the only film predicated on the idea of the villain just wanting to look after kids. As such, it’s hard not to side with Scarlet Witch, who just needs a hug and the number of an adoption agency. Also she looks like Elizabeth Olsen, so you could easily put up with her slightly annoying habit of turning reality into Bewitched.