Sibling needing a kidney should have thought of that when they pinched your Wotsits in year two

A MAN asked to donate a kidney to his seriously ill sibling feels it is extremely cheeky due to his brother’s poor record of sharing during childhood.

Jack Browne is shocked that his brother Ryan assumed he would selflessly donate the vital organ, when that same brother had yet to apologise for pinching a packet of eagerly-anticipated crisps when they were at school.

Browne said: “It’s not fair that I should have to give him something for free when historically he has taken so much from me, like cheese-flavoured corn puffs. 

“There’s also my power ball, which he lost, a Marathon I was looking forward to later, and the rare Pokémon card he traded without my permission. I’m owed a lifetime of reparations and he wants a whole kidney? F**k off.

“He seems to think we’re even these days because he buys me expensive birthday presents and we’re ‘adults’. But I’ve been keeping count. He still has 268 minor slights to atone for plus the fact that I got a substantially smaller piece of cake at our mum’s birthday gathering.

“I don’t believe he really needs the kidney anyway. He said he was ‘dying’ when I bit him in 1997, so he’s probably just trying to make me look bad for not helping him.”

Ryan Browne said: “Muuuum! Make Jack share his kidneys!”

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'Had her' vs 'What the f**k was I thinking?': Men and women's differing reactions to meeting an ex

MEN and women have wildly varying reactions to accidentally bumping into someone they used to shag. Here are their instinctive first thoughts you’d rather not know about.

‘Had her’

It could be decades ago, but a man’s instinctive reaction to spotting an ex-partner is remembering the sex. You make polite small talk, but he’s actually recalling underwear, blowjobs etc. in great detail. She’s forgotten about the not-so-memorable lovemaking and moved on, a life skill males are yet to master. He’s sure a mediocre shag in a grotty flat in Bristol in 2001 was the high point of her life.

‘What the f**k was I thinking?’ 

My God, she muses, did I really used to go out with this balding, beer-gutted Omega male? Whatever did I see in him, the boring bastard? She’ll never let on of course – women are too considerate for that – but she’ll have a good laugh about you later when she meets her friends for a coffee. Thank the gods of masculinity (Thor, Kratos, Ross Kemp) you’re not invited.

‘I reckon I could still get a shag there’ 

Men are blissfully unaware they’re not 20-year-old young bucks anymore, and just another anonymous, portly, middle-aged office drone. So they’ll be utterly convinced they’re just as attractive to her now as they were when they went out together. Women usually kindly let men keep thinking this, not realised they’re cynically factoring in her weight gain and lack of career success to their chance-of-a-shag calculations.

‘God, his dick was tiny’

She dated you at college when you were both very sexually inexperienced, and didn’t know any better. Unfortunately she’s been exposed to other penises over the last 15 years, owned by proper, life-sized men. That grin on her face isn’t down to badly-hidden carnal excitement at seeing you again. 

‘I bet she misses the brilliant sex’

All men consider themselves carnal leviathans between the sheets. It’s just a shame his mind-blowingly erotic intercourse was time that could have been better spent flicking herself off to Aidan Turner in Poldark. Aidan’s probably shit at it in reality too, but women somehow think it’s ‘weird’ to obsessively point that out about a TV show that finished four years ago.

‘Going out with him made me realise I’m a lesbian’

His sexual ineptitude and inability to fulfil her needs was actually a pretty big favour that confirmed what she’d suspected. She’ll casually mention she now has a female partner, unaware his mind is already way ahead envisaging an erotic threesome.