Entire elite establishment rallies round to help anti-establishment hero

THE full force of the elite British establishment has come together to support a man who was always its bitterest enemy.

The Tory government has come to the aid of Nigel Farage who it once fought elections against, in a stirring example of how differences can be put aside and the little guy can win sometimes.

Home secretary Suella Braverman said: “The victim of these corrupt banks is a man so unlike we Conservatives that we spent years locked in bitter opposition.

“He is a gadfly, a xenophobe, a man dedicated to toppling the elites of the British establishment. He could not be more different to a Tory. His public school education and banking background are irrelevant.

“But when we saw the grave injustice he had suffered – denied a posh bank account by Coutts and his good name besmirched by the NatWest – we knew we had no choice but to take his side. It’s like Batman and Catwoman vs Bane, except we’re all twats.

“We, and the establishment newspapers who own us like pets, gave this man our full backing even though he is so unlike us as to be an alien. We tirelessly crusaded as though he were one of our own.

“And now, with the sacking of a bank CEO and collateral damage against the BBC, we can stand together knowing that we have done the right thing. Almost as though we weren’t so different after all.”

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Do Gen Zers secretly pity you? Take our test

YOU desperately need the approval of Generation Z because you can’t bear to be an unhip old codger. Find out if they respect or pity you based on these interactions.

You’re heading to the pub for a relaxed pint. What are you wearing?

A) Baggy oversized XL jumper, nose ring, Doc Martens.

B) T-shirt and skinny jeans. Maybe Adidas trainers if you’re feeling particularly cool.

C) A loose-fitting white shirt and suit trousers. You’re like a chic Mr Bean with your very practical North Face jacket.

You get out your phone and go on social media. Does the Gen Zer laugh?

A) Yes. You open TikTok, and the first video is a Kendall Roy edit the Gen Zer thinks is ‘so babygirl’, whatever the f**k that means.

B) Yes. You open Instagram reels, and the first video is a meme that went viral on TikTok six months ago. Cringe.

C) Yes. You open Facebook, and like Sharon’s status telling you that she and the kids are well. The Gen Zer thinks your use of the sideways crying laughing emoji is funny and endearing.

The Gen Zer asks what book you’re reading at the moment. Does your choice shock them?

A) Yes. You tell them you’re reading The Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller, and now they want to know what your favourite BookTok books are, and whether you think Colleen Hoover is problematic.

B) Yes. You sheepishly say you’re rereading Harry Potter. You can’t tell whether their jaw dropped because of JK Rowling, or because you told them you’re a Hufflepuff.

C) Yes. You tell them you’re revisiting science fiction from your childhood, and reading Dune. They say: ‘OMG, Timothée Chalamet, slay’. They don’t know about Baron Harkonnen being really homophobic in the original, thank f**k.

A Gen Zer approaches you. Do they say ‘That fit is based. It’s giving 90s Diana. Absolute W fit. Slay’, or do they say ‘Major fashion L’?

A) The first one. You reply: ‘OMG, thanks bestie! I got this jumper at the Boygenius tour.’

B) The second one. You reply: ‘Hey, my outfit is on fleek, actually.’

C) What?

You’re driving the Gen Zer to a concert, and they hand you the aux cord. When you play music, do they frown?

A) Yes. You play Drivers License by Olivia Rodrigo and they ramble on about a problematic ex in cliched therapy-speak.

B) Yes. You put on some Kanye West and they ask why you’re literally a member of the Nazi Party.

C) Yes. You play some Kate Bush. They say: ‘Is she the one who does the music for Stranger Things?’


Mostly As: You’re one of them. They don’t pity you. Unless you’re straight and cis. Weirdo.

Mostly Bs: They feel pity with a strong element of disgust. They started calling you cheugy until you used the word cheugy, and then the word cheugy became cheugy. You’re cringe and gross and you’ll never slay.

Mostly Cs: They pity you like an abandoned puppy. They love you but infantilise you. Your daughter posted a video of you on TikTok and now the internet is calling you ‘the girlypop dad’. You don’t know what that means but you say you think Taylor Swift is talented and pretty. Cancelled.