Farage's bank statements show a pint purchased every 15 minutes

NIGEL Farage’s leaked bank statements reveal that on average he purchased a pint with his debit card every 15 minutes, it has emerged.

The steady supply of beer is thought to be to blame for Farage’s dwindling fortune, his resulting ‘de-banking’ from Coutts, and the xenophobic bollocks he has been spouting for the entirety of his political career.

A NatWest spokesperson said: “Imperial pints with a little crown on the glass, obviously. None of that unpatriotic EU shit for our Nige.

“A close reading of his statements paints a picture of his day-to-day life. He’s off to the pub in the morning to look like a man of the people, lunch is a swift four pints in Soho, then he has eight more in the evening to try to blot out the shame of being on GB News.

“While the average person is 60 per cent water, Nigel is more beer than human. It’s a miracle he’s able to function in society. Although by ‘function’ I mean ‘incessantly be a wanker’.

“There’s some other stuff in his statements about offshore trust funds and tax havens, but they’re buried by the sheer volume of pub transactions. It’s almost like he was trying to hide them.”

Farage said: “Banks are supposed to respect the anonymity of their customers. That number of pints could’ve been purchased by anyone in Westminster.”

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More films I intend to unexpectedly put tits in. By Christopher Nolan

YOU didn’t expect to see tits in Oppenheimer, did you? You thought it’d all be nuclear tests and physics, but there they were. Here are my next prestige film projects featuring lovely funbags.


Friedrich Nietzsche’s nihilist philosophy is crying out to be made into next year’s big summer blockbuster. I’ve got a great scene planned where Friedrich is saying his famous ‘If you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes into you’ quote while his wife (Emily Blunt, ideally) wanks him off. Topless. 

The Battle of Austerlitz

Napoleon’s 1805 victory over 90,000 Russian and Austrian troops with a smaller French force is crying out for a definitive, big budget, historically accurate production. Sure, the characters will mostly be horrible dirty soldiers with beards, but I think it’s time we recognised the role Josephine Bonaparte played. I reckon she told Napoleon all the best tactics, probably while doing things like having a bath.


Films about geniuses are pure Oscar bait, and Einstein was married, twice in fact, so tits aren’t a problem, unlike with Alan Turing. I’m thinking Florence Pugh for Wife 1, then Wife 2 can be Megan Fox. She got them out for Jennifer’s Body and I’m sure she won’t mind me saying she’s got cracking norks. 

The Dark Knight: Demise of Voyeur

I felt I’d successfully concluded my retelling of the Batman saga, but I quite fancy buying a luxury cottage in Cornwall so it’s time to revisit the franchise. Christian Bale’s up for it, but he’s a bit serious, so we need some tits. To this end I’ve invented a new supervillain, Voyeur, who can see through walls, bank vaults, dresses, etc. Talk about lateral thinking. I’m struggling with the female lead though because Marvel’s snapped up all the actresses and superhero IPs. Maybe Jodie Comer as my own creation, Otter Girl? 


I’ll admit the life of Irish hydrographer Francis Beaufort and his quest to create a standardised wind speed scale for use at sea doesn’t sound massively promising, but Hiroshima isn’t exactly feelgood summer fun and Oppenheimer is doing fine. I’m going to repeat the formula and have Beaufort fall in love with a sexy mermaid. Anya Taylor-Joy is hot property right now, and I’m pretty sure mermaids don’t wear bras made out of clam shells in real life.

Dunkirk 2

No one liked Tenet, but they liked Dunkirk even though it’s pretentious and unrealistic. So an obvious future project is Dunkirk 2: The Evacuation Continues. There were hardly any babes in the original, so not many opportunities for boobs, and the nurse on the ship was my cousin, so that would have been weird. This time there’ll be a whole company of sexy Wrens getting changed when a Stuka attacks.


Yes, The Iron Lady with Meryl Streep wasn’t that long ago but no one really remembers it, and the reason is obvious – tits, or the lack thereof. I’ve got my reservations about topless Maggie, but I think the right actor could give her a warmth and humour that was totally absent in real life, and that actor is obviously Margot Robbie. I’d better check she’s okay with taking her top off and causing mass unemployment though.