How to become a member of the House of Lords by age 30

26th July 2023

ARE you an ambitious young politico hoping to peak early? Here is a guide to becoming a life peer while your mates are still living in house shares.

Make connections

Becoming a Baroness requires more than political nous – it also involves being mates with someone with influence. Find a politician known for their poor decisions and shamelessly exploiting their position, and become part of their horrible posse. Someone like Boris Johnson fits these criteria and being blonde is a definite plus. Just ask Jennifer Arcuri.

Keep a low profile

There’s a lot of nonsense talked about ‘hard work’ and ‘making a difference’. Attracting attention with important or influential work just gives haters things to criticise. Keep your head down, do your undefined duties in an unexceptional way, and think about how nice you’ll look in your ermine cloak.

Get the right work experience

Lords used to be people who’d dedicated their lives to public service, but you have to fast-forward things a bit. Straight out of uni, get a very junior role in the office of a politician, then keep jumping onto more powerful people like a hungry tick. After three or four years of pointless admin you’ll have learned no skills except inputting your boss’ dubious expenses on Excel, but that’s fine for becoming a lawmaker in Britain.

Embrace your lack of ability

It’s easy to feel ‘impostor syndrome’ when you’re highly rewarded for contributing nothing. Don’t do yourself down. The vast majority of MPs owe their success entirely to being in the right party clique when they won an election courtesy of the Tory press. Rishi Sunak got where he is by being fractionally less shit than everyone else, and Jonathan Gullis MP would not look out of place in a zoo. You’re every bit as good as them.

Be born lucky

Let’s face it – some people are just born lucky, whether it’s being in the right place at the right time, or having a special, indefinable spark that leads them to great success. Precisely what your indefinable spark is is unclear, but let’s just hope it doesn’t result in an investigation into cronyism, nepotism or corruption on the part of Boris.

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Six foreign tourist attractions you wouldn't look at twice if they were in Britain

25th July 2023

ABROAD? You’ll happily trek over a mountain to see a 300-year-old pipe organ. You wouldn’t give a shit for any of these if they were in Morecambe:

Blarney Stone

It’s a f**king rock. A rock in a castle not far from Cork that thousands of gullible Americans visit to kiss, believing it’ll give them eloquence. Frankly there are easier ways of getting herpes. If it wasn’t bolstered by questionable stereotypes of the Irish and was in Hull, nobody would waste their time.

The Hollywood Walk of Fame

America has a lock on stars, and the Walk of Fame celebrates them all. All of them. Hundreds upon hundreds of people you’ve never heard of. For every Keanu Reeves there’s a Morris Stoloff. But you still walk along it, spotting names, whereas if paving slabs in Bromley bore the names of Timmy Mallett and Peter Howitt you’d go to the pub halfway along.

Manneken Pis

You would not look twice at a statue of a urinating boy if it was in your friend’s garden. If a neighbour had one you’d complain about its effect on property values. Put it in Brussels and an unfunny joke cast in bronze is an absolute must-see, though not to be recreated for photos.

Leaning Tower of Pisa

In Italy, an old tower suffering catastrophic subsidence is celebrated. In Britain, it would be the subject of a long-running dispute between builders and the relevant council, heavily featuring on regional radio phone-ins. Visiting the tower would be prohibited on health and safety grounds, and it would soon be demolished for flats.

Mount Rushmore

Gammons would go wild if there was a giant likeness of Winston Churchill’s face carved into the side of a cliff – but after that, in terms of political heavyweights, it’s slim pickings. Clement Attlee? Disraeli? Can you honestly imagine standing for your selfie in front of the 55ft limestone face of Tony Blair?

Oktoberfest

Everyone knows the image: a busty fraulein in a low-cut dirndl carries six brimming steins of beer. But she wants nothing to do with you after she’s brought the beer, and beer is available everywhere. There’s a beer festival in Wrexham this weekend. Statistically there will also be a big-boobed lady not interested in you. Are you rushing there? No?

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