Eight hours of sleep basically impossible, scientists confirm

GETTING the recommended eight hours of restful slumber nightly is against the laws of physics, scientists have confirmed. 

The discovery means that anyone managing a fitful six hours at best can stop chastising themselves for falling unconscious incorrectly, though the report added anyone scrolling their phone at 2am should cease immediately.

Dr Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Eight hours? It’s arbitrary bollocks, like 14 units a week or getting your five a day.

“It’s a third of the day, for Christ’s sake. Nobody can afford to be conked out for that long. Have you seen the cost of stuff lately? You need that time to hustle.

“It’s physically impossible. Just like faster-than-light travel or going backwards in time, nobody can sleep for 480 minutes straight. No matter how drunk you are you’ll be up for a piss and a paracetamol.

“I could prove this theory with some fancy equation with letters in it, but do I really need to? When did you or anyone you know last get eight hours of sleep? Exactly.”

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “Eight hours? I think I once had that over a week.”

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Woman horrified to learn she is 'one that got away'

A WOMAN has learned that a man she barely remembers from years ago has classed her as ‘the one that got away’. 

Emma Bradford knew Oliver O’Connor briefly at university and has never given him a thought since, only to find out through friends that even in his mid-30s he still considers her his almost-was.

She said: “Oli? Dogshit-on-his-shoe-in-the-cosmology-lecture Oli? On what f**king basis did he decide this?

“It’s not unilateral. There have to be late-night moments, unexpressed yearnings, stolen looks and a tacit acknowledgement that if things were different, maybe. You can’t just pick someone pretty and say ‘you’.

“It sickens me to think I’ve been lingering in his fantasies all these years without having signed so much as a consent form.”

O’Connor said: “I’m happily married now and I love my wife. But Emma and I shared a connection that happens once in a lifetime. We never acknowledged it but it was definitely there.

“In the end, it wasn’t the right time for either of us. I often wonder how things would have turned out if we’d both been a little bit braver. I know she still thinks of me, too.

“Oh, someone’s texted. It says ‘This is Emma from uni. Never happen.’”