Poor Amazon stands in front of UK taxpayers with turned-out pockets and cap in hand

THE poverty-stricken multinational corporation Amazon once again stands before taxpayers barefoot and in rags, begging for a handout.

Trembling in fear and hunger, the business, which despite working every hour God sends earned a mere $524.89 billion last year, needs just a little rebate from HMRC to tide it over.

Amazon said: “I know I promised I’d pay tax this year, sir, I know I did, but what with inflation and and import costs and all this infrastructure investment I’m making I haven’t got two pennies to rub together, sir, and that’s the honest truth.

“With all these subsidiaries to feed, syphoning off anything that even looks like turning a profit to Luxembourg, and strikes in the warehouses, well if you pardon my frankness, sir, I’m on the bones of me arse.

“Can’t you see it in your heart to find just a little tax credit to keep the wolf from the door? Just a measly £7.7 million I can offset against future profits? Next year, sir, next year for sure.

“Oh thank you sir, God bless you for your kindness. Why, if it weren’t for gents like you me kids would have to go to bed without any corporate subsidies. I won’t pass a single penny of it onto suppliers, sir, I promise you that!”

British taxpayers firmly closed the door before another knock, a moment later, revealed the dirty, unkempt figure of Apple cringing on the doorstep, grubby hand outstretched.

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47-year-old man dating 28-year-old woman to be in age-appropriate relationship

A 47-YEAR-OLD man has started dating a 28-year-old woman to avoid an embarrassingly large age difference.

Company director Wayne Hayes feels Nikki Hollis shares his interests and outlook due to being in the same age bracket, give or take a decade or two, and only gets mistaken for his oldest, not youngest, daughter. 

Divorcé Hayes said: “Sooner or later you have to grow up a bit, accept your days chasing 20-year-olds are over and start dating a woman who hasn’t just left school. 

“Obviously I have to put up with Nikki’s very slight wrinkles, future grey hairs and fractionally less pert breasts, but she makes up for it in terms of life experience. And she’s probably grateful for any male attention at her age.

“I don’t want to be the embarrassing middle-aged man dancing with a young girl in a nightclub, I want to be the embarrassing middle-aged man making forced references to his younger partner in all social situations.

“I’m not used to dating older women, so I suppose I’ll have to get used to whatever Nikki’s interests are. Knitting, jam-making, the Women’s Institute.

“It’s worth it because we’re both interested in a serious relationship. Unless she wants marriage or kids, of course, in which case she’s dumped.” 

Hollis said: “I like Wayne but I think we might be too different. Who’s Floella Benjamin, by the way? Is she one of Wayne’s exes?”