Business

THE government has confirmed that it will make it impossible to travel between the north and south of the UK by totally f**king up the railways.

THE proprietor of a struggling American candy business only wishes money-laundering criminal syndicates were interested in his business.

WHEN staying alone in a hotel, a man powering through a five-figure deal must seize the opportunity for the breakfast of champions. Coco Pops.

A THIRD of 18 to 34-year-olds have been inappropriately texted by staff at takeaways or delivering parcels. Here’s a handy checklist to read before sending customers a picture of your cock.

GOT a website with internationally-known and instantly recognisable branding? Here visionary tech bro Elon Musk explains how to f**k it up for no reason.

THE NatWest bank has posted profits of £3.6 billion as a direct result of closing Nigel Farage’s account.

BRITISH Gas’s record profits make total sense because they are the reason you and others can barely afford food.

THE Competition and Markets Authority has informed motorists who spent a year being grossly overcharged for petrol that it happened.

AN upcoming cage match between Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk will end in one of the more horrible deaths ever streamed on Facebook.

THE office is already hell if it’s not air-conditioned, but which of your colleagues are earmarked for plum jobs in the pit of the damned?