Grandchildren gifted cheques they will never manage to pay in

YOUNG people all over the country are baffled after receiving small rectangles of paper for Christmas.

Rather than getting the iPhones they asked for, many Gen-Zers were given slips of paper with writing on that left them disappointed and confused.

14-year-old Jack Browne said: “Grandpa didn’t get me a present this year, the tight old git, he just gave me a really plain, flimsy Christmas card. Couldn’t even be bothered to write a nice message, just put my name on the top and his at the bottom. I binned it immediately.”

A-level student Charlotte Phelps said: “Poor Grandad, he’s going senile. He gave me some money for Christmas, but it didn’t have a picture of the Queen or King or anything, it just said ‘fifty pounds’ in shaky handwriting. I think he made it himself, bless.”

Her brother James said: “I’ve heard about these things. It’s called a ‘cheque’ and it’s a bit like a gift voucher for real money. Apparently, the amount written on the front can be put into your bank account if you go to a special building in your nearest town. But I’m never going to do that.”

Grandfather Bill McKay said: “I knew the grasping little shits wouldn’t have a clue what to do with a cheque, so I’ve spent all my money on cognac. Cheers!”

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Christmas a hard time of year for the lonely, the poor, the single, the married, the rich, the old, the young, the sick and the healthy, experts confirm

A STUDY has found that everybody is justified in finding this time of year a bit of a pain in the arse. 

Despite the general jollity, spirit of goodwill, and time off work, new research suggests that most people would fundamentally prefer not to be conscious between Christmas Eve and New Year’s Day.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute For Studies, said: “Our data shows that individual circumstances, while all challenging and uniquely terrible, have little bearing on the bloody awful median Christmas experience.

“Whether strapped for cash or spending wildly, surrounded by family or alone, everyone experiences an underlying and constant feeling of overwhelming Yuletide misery.

“People from all walks of life can find solace in the knowledge that no one is having fun, despite what their light-up Christmas jumpers and heartwarming social media posts suggest.”

Christmas-skeptic Joshua Hudson of Letchworth said: “My family all loathe each other, which makes Christmas a painful charade, but my in-laws all get on and that intense atmosphere of love and joy is far worse.”

Brubaker added: “That being said, if you think this is hard brace yourself for January, which only a handful of people in the whole of human history have even survived.”