THE government has confirmed that it will make it impossible to travel between the north and south of the UK by totally f**king up the railways.
After renewing contracts with failing rail operators Avanti and CrossCountry, and refusing to commit to HS2 going beyond Birmingham, Tory ministers have admitted they want to stop people travelling altogether.
A Conservative spokesman said: “Now that the Red Wall is turning back to Labour, we have no further use for any part of the country above Leicester, especially those bolshy Scottish bastards.
“We’re going to slowly but surely cut them off by making it increasingly difficult to travel. I mean, have you tried getting an Avanti train from London to Glasgow? The experience will make you want to pluck out your own eyeballs through sheer frustration.
“Delayed, overcrowded trains act as a good deterrent to travel, but we’ve found the best method is simply cancelling most of them. A train that doesn’t exist can’t be late, so then we can give privatised rail companies a bonus for improving punctuality.
“CrossCountry also runs an appalling service, which is why we’ve given them an eight-year contract, and HS2 will be essentially pointless. That’ll teach those fickle northern twats for only liking us when we were spewing racist Brexit propaganda.”
Train customer Tom Logan said: “There is a special place in hell for Avanti trains. And I appear to be going to it.”