Government aiming to end north-south travel by 2025 by renewing Avanti's rail contract

THE government has confirmed that it will make it impossible to travel between the north and south of the UK by totally f**king up the railways.

After renewing contracts with failing rail operators Avanti and CrossCountry, and refusing to commit to HS2 going beyond Birmingham, Tory ministers have admitted they want to stop people travelling altogether.

A Conservative spokesman said: “Now that the Red Wall is turning back to Labour, we have no further use for any part of the country above Leicester, especially those bolshy Scottish bastards.

“We’re going to slowly but surely cut them off by making it increasingly difficult to travel. I mean, have you tried getting an Avanti train from London to Glasgow? The experience will make you want to pluck out your own eyeballs through sheer frustration.

“Delayed, overcrowded trains act as a good deterrent to travel, but we’ve found the best method is simply cancelling most of them. A train that doesn’t exist can’t be late, so then we can give privatised rail companies a bonus for improving punctuality.

“CrossCountry also runs an appalling service, which is why we’ve given them an eight-year contract, and HS2 will be essentially pointless. That’ll teach those fickle northern twats for only liking us when we were spewing racist Brexit propaganda.”

Train customer Tom Logan said: “There is a special place in hell for Avanti trains. And I appear to be going to it.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Policemen from your childhood and the f**kers we've got now

A STAGGERING 1,000 Met officers are currently suspended for alleged wrongdoing. And somehow it’s worse when you compare them with the respected coppers you grew up with, be they real or fictional.

The Sweeney: If confronted by police malpractice, Jack Regan and George Carter would have a mournful session on the whisky about nicking one of their own. Then they’d prove they were the good guys by kicking the miscreant’s head in.

Modern Met officer: Would close ranks to protect the dodgiest fellow officers, seeing nothing untoward about them having the nickname ‘Dave The Perv’.

The policeman who came to your primary school: Obviously he could secretly have been bent as f**k, but it’s unlikely he was selling confiscated cocaine between investigating petty vandalism and giving Cycling Proficiency lessons.

Modern police officer: Would massively overreact to you forgetting to do a left-turn hand signal on a quiet road, forcing you to dismount with ASP baton drawn, then act like Judge Dredd in front of a crying seven-year-old.

Dixon of Dock Green: Almost certainly before your time, but you get the gist, and it wasn’t Dirty Harry. The epitome of the firm-but-fair, respectable, strait-laced copper.

Modern police officer: That wanker in a club flashing his police ID to impress women, who you later see trying to throw his weight around in a kebab shop like a knob.

Gene Hunt: Or ‘the postmodern Jack Regan’. Sexist, but fundamentally a good guy, and never afraid to mix it up with the toughest criminals, including pickaxe-handle-wielding versions of the Great Train Robbers, in a postmodern reality-meets-fiction heist Baudrillard would have loved.

Modern Met officer: Never afraid to mix it up with the toughest lightly-built student girls armed with a candle.

Jim Bergerac: All-round decent 80s bloke who overcame his alcoholic demons and remained friendly with his ex-wife Deborah while romancing new love Susan (popular Doctor Who assistant Louise Jameson).

Modern Met officer: Would most likely stalk Susan as well as Deborah and hassle them for sex, requiring another police officer to protect them from the first one, who would then try it on with them as well.

Brian Paddick: Pioneering gay police officer famous in the early 2000s for stopping the police wasting their time on minor drug crimes, who later became a champion of diversity in the Met. 

Modern Met officer: Probably not that fussed about minor drug arrests either, but would discuss it on WhatsApp using an array of racial epithets for black teenagers no one has heard since the 1970s. Would also use terms like ‘poof’ and ‘shirt-lifter’ so many times an inanimate Samsung would get tired of the homophobia.