I drove around Wales at 20mph and escaped with my life: one journalist's story

WALES, that blighted country clinging to England’s belly like a parasite, has imposed a nationwide limit of 20mph. Here’s what happened when I travelled there: 


‘Croeso i Gymru’ says the sign by the A55, and I immediately slam on the brakes. I’m not being fined by Marxists. Decelerating from 70mph to 20mph suddenly, I’m almost hit by the HGV behind which jack-knifes, overturns and blocks both carriageways. Already this policy is causing chaos.


The road signs say it’s 60 but I won’t be fooled. I’m crawling along, barely into the country, and it’s clear Wales’s motorists are furious with the imposition of this new policy. They’re breaking the law to pass me, shaking their fists and gesticulating their passionate support.


I pull off the main road onto one of the country lanes with which this crude country is riddled and continue at the pace imposed by their excuse for a government. Soon I find myself leading a go-slow convoy of protestors, all honking horns to show their opposition  to this undemocratic imposition. They’re practically in open revolt.


Stopping in a town with too many Ls in its name for lunch, I realise I’ve barely penetrated this dark continent. To reach Aberystwyth would take a further 36 hours of driving. Soon those communities will run out of supplies and starve, all because Labour hates ordinary decent people.


The threadbare figleaf of an excuse for this limit is that cars travelling at 20mph cause far fewer injuries, so I’m outside a school to find out. But it also gives children far more time to hear my vehicle and jump out of the way, so my test is inconclusive one way or another before I hit a lamppost I hadn’t seen because I was so focused on the speedometer.


Fleeing on foot, I know I could easily escape the police – or Heddlu, as they’re termed in this primitive language – because they can’t drive faster than 20mph. But they flout their own laws, driving at upwards of 35mph to catch me. I’m charged with obstructing the highways and dangerous driving. The sheer hypocrisy of it when that’s their entire policy.

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Mens' level of planning for dates directly proportionate to length of dry spell

THE effort and thoughtfulness a man puts into a date is directly proportionate to how long it is since he he last had sex, researchers have discovered. 

A man who had sex within a week’s preparations are limited to giving the T-shirt he has picked up off the floor a quick sniff, while a man who has been without for a year will arrive in a freshly dry-cleaned suit with two dozen red roses and a hand-penned poem.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “After just a month, the males are observed ironing shirts. After three months they pluck eyebrows and nasal hair.

“A six-month period without sexual activity will see them engaging in economic activity like haircuts, new clothing and thoughtful gifts, and after a year off the nest they are grooming fastidiously and may even listen to what their date is saying with interest and care.”

Nathan Muir, aged 34, last had sex when Boris Johnson was in office. He said: “Did you know you can buy rose petals online?

“So, just on impulse, I thought why not and I’ve scattered them around the bedroom and left a trail up the stairs. The champagne and the glasses are chilling and my Mercedes and driver pick her up at 7pm on the dot. Please let this work.”

Date Eleanor Shaw said: “I’ve shaved, depilated, moisturised, had my eyebrows threaded and my bumhole bleached. It’s been 18 months. I am officially desperate.”