Five benefits of being stupid, by Liz Truss

THEY make turning the UK into ‘Argentina on the Channel’ sound like a bad thing when it was brilliant. Liz Truss explains why living a life of blithe ignorance is unbeatable: 

You don’t feel shame

Clever people tend to focus on the consequences of their decisions, even occasionally concluding those decisions were wrong. That paralyses them with self-doubt. I skip that step, replacing it with wilful blindness, and confidently bound back into the public eye with bold new ideas like selling Birmingham to the UAE to build a new Dubai in the Midlands.

Nobody expects anything from you

Even average IQs are burdened with expectations, whereas morons like myself effortlessly coast through life. After my time as prime minister, thrilling in its brevity, nobody’s dumping tricky responsibilities into my in-tray. I get to do what I love: chasing laser pointers as they dart across the floor and trying to figure out how mirrors work.

You can say whatever you want

Once it’s firmly established that you ain’t got the smarts, you have a free pass to bark every cretinous thoughts in your head. It would be disturbingly off-brand if you said anything intelligent. For the sake of others’ wellbeing stick to what you know best, which is absolutely nothing. Except that you were right all along.

You still get invited to fancy events

Stupidity isn’t a barrier to entry when it comes to state events, held as they are for the Royal family. I’ll be shamelessly arriving at every major occasion in public life for decades to come, a selection of fascinators drawing attention to my bobble head. Even an imbecile like myself can be in the right place at the right time. There’s a life lesson in there somewhere, but I’m too dumb to figure it out.

You’ll always be happy

Give me an empty room with a bare bulb and I’ll sit there for hours, staring at a white wall, revelling in the trackless wastes inside my own head. To me it’s the world that’s stupid for failing to conform to how right I always am about everything. It’s perfectly simple until other people get involved. I’m still as great as I always was. And good at mental arithmetic.

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Third little pig regrets building house with aerated concrete

THE third little pig has been left homeless after his house, built with RAAC concrete instead of bricks, was destroyed in a single blow. 

The pig, one of three neighbours, was advised by architects that aerated concrete would last a good 30 years and chose to use the low-cost material instead of bricks to save on local authority budgets.

Pig Tom Booker said: “The PFI contract said that concrete full of holes would never let me down. It promised the holes made it extra strong, and it wouldn’t be like the asbestos panels and polyethylene cladding.

“I was sitting pretty, or so I thought. Until I heard an ominous crack and the roof collapsed and I’m picking bits of chimney out of my crotch.”

Neighbour Norman Steele, also a pig, said: “I was offered aerated concrete but went with straw. If it’s good enough for Grand Designs, it’s good enough for me.

“Next door went with sticks, a very underrated construction material, and it’s still standing. Meanwhile the aerated concrete house is closed pending safety checks and the poor occupant’s in temporary accommodation.”

Mr BB Wolf said: “Christ, all I was doing was stress testing it.”