The Post Office, and other companies with bullshit slogans that need updating

EVERY big company in the UK has a wanky slogan, even the laughably useless privatised utilities and the downright evil Post Office. Here are some suggestions for updating them.

Paula Vennells to charge exorbitant delivery fee for returning her CBE

FORMER Post Office chief Paula Vennells will charge an eye-watering sum for returning her CBE by post, it has emerged.

Grandchildren gifted cheques they will never manage to pay in

YOUNG people all over the country are baffled after receiving small rectangles of paper for Christmas.

True meaning of Boxing Day is internet sales

HUGE online discounts on books, clothes and electrical goods are the true meaning of Boxing Day, it has been confirmed.

Successful person admits lack of working-class backstory

A SUCCESSFUL entrepreneur has confessed that she neither has a working-class background or is prepared to make one up.

How to escape from a crappy little gift shop selling overpriced shite without buying anything

WANDERED into a curious little shop only to realise it sells nothing worth buying, you’re alone and the proprietor is staring at you? Here’s how to politely free yourself.

Government aiming to end north-south travel by 2025 by renewing Avanti's rail contract

THE government has confirmed that it will make it impossible to travel between the north and south of the UK by totally f**king up the railways.

Failing American candy shop wishes it was money-laundering front

THE proprietor of a struggling American candy business only wishes money-laundering criminal syndicates were interested in his business.

'I am a successful businessman staying in a five-star hotel, and I'm f**king having Coco Pops for breakfast'

WHEN staying alone in a hotel, a man powering through a five-figure deal must seize the opportunity for the breakfast of champions. Coco Pops.