THE proprietor of a struggling American candy business only wishes money-laundering criminal syndicates were interested in his business.
Julian Cook, who runs Candys R USA on London’s Oxford Street, invested his life savings into the shop and has sold only £32 of super sour sweets all day.
He said: “Mafia, Yakuza, Albanian people-traffickers: if you’re at all interested I could really use the injection of your shady funds.
“I’ve put everything I have into this shop. I thought, who doesn’t travel into central London to spend £25 on six Birthday Cake Kit-Kats?
“London’s full of American tourists who’d love nothing more than washing down a handful of Warheads with the comforting taste of A&W Root Beer, I firmly believed. And this place is just how I imagined it: harsh strip lighting, tinny commercial dance music and Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs at a 400 per cent markup.
“But sales are slow, and as for money-laundering, I haven’t been contacted by a single cartel. It’s disgraceful. How am I meant to pay the rent on a London shop if not with the proceeds of organised crime?
“Please, if you’re in the firm, give me a call. I’ll hide heroin in the Tootsie Rolls. You can cache your weapons behind the Hershey’s Cookies ‘N’ Crème. I don’t mind as long as you buy a few Milk Duds while you’re at it.”