Failing American candy shop wishes it was money-laundering front

THE proprietor of a struggling American candy business only wishes money-laundering criminal syndicates were interested in his business. 

Julian Cook, who runs Candys R USA on London’s Oxford Street, invested his life savings into the shop and has sold only £32 of super sour sweets all day.

He said: “Mafia, Yakuza, Albanian people-traffickers: if you’re at all interested I could really use the injection of your shady funds.

“I’ve put everything I have into this shop. I thought, who doesn’t travel into central London to spend £25 on six Birthday Cake Kit-Kats?

“London’s full of American tourists who’d love nothing more than washing down a handful of Warheads with the comforting taste of A&W Root Beer, I firmly believed. And this place is just how I imagined it: harsh strip lighting, tinny commercial dance music and Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs at a 400 per cent markup.

“But sales are slow, and as for money-laundering, I haven’t been contacted by a single cartel. It’s disgraceful. How am I meant to pay the rent on a London shop if not with the proceeds of organised crime?

“Please, if you’re in the firm, give me a call. I’ll hide heroin in the Tootsie Rolls. You can cache your weapons behind the Hershey’s Cookies ‘N’ Crème. I don’t mind as long as you buy a few Milk Duds while you’re at it.”

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Shagger of the Year 2006-2008 retrospectively awarded to Boris Johnson

THE Sun has withdrawn Russell Brand’s Shagger of the Year awards and given them to a less problematic candidate.

In light of Channel 4’s Dispatches report, The Sun has stripped Russell Brand of his titles and handed them to a man who was just as promiscuous but did it all sensibly and caringly with no abuses of power.

A Sun spokesman said: “The Shagger of the Year awards are a hallowed UK institution, like the NHS. We couldn’t watch this revered celebration of virility become desecrated by association. So, as usual, it falls to The Sun to do the right thing.

“We’ve spent decades respecting women. As soon as we became aware that Brand was a sexual predator, we could not stand by and let our good name be tarnished.

“Deciding who the awards should go to instead was no mean feat. The mid-00s are what experts call a ‘veritable f**kpile’. Everyone from Harry Styles to George Osborne was hard at it, but after reviewing the hopefuls there could only ever be one winner.

“At the time, Boris Johnson was juggling getting his end away with running a successful mayoral election race, so there are no questions of impropriety. Back then we chose the wrong man with ridiculous hair who spouts convoluted archaic nonsense. We’re sorry.”

Johnson said: “I worked really hard for these. I deserve them.”