Russell Brand was a heroin addict, discovers crack investigative team on page 145 of My Booky-Wook

THE investigative team that exposed Russell Brand as a sexual abuser have discovered he was also a heroin addict, after continuing to read his autobiography. 

The team, comprised of reporters from the Times, the Sunday Times and Channel 4’s Dispatches, are to expose the former comedian as a habitual user of opiates in a revelation expected to shock Britain to the core.

Journalist Thom Logan said: “An addict of Class A substances, walking the halls at the BBC and Channel 4? The public will never believe this.

“We’ve also got reason to believe he took his heroin dealer to MTV and introduced her to Kylie. And, this is incredible, got fired after turning up dressed as Osama Bin Laden after 9/11.

“I can’t possibly reveal my sources but they’re authoritative. You don’t get closer to Brand than the information in my hands. This is f**king dynamite.

“TV might be too small for the shocking twists and turns of this investigation. We might have to collect everything we’ve found into a book. Trust me, it’d sell millions.”

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White middle-class schoolchildren relieved to be conversing in roadman slang again

BRITAIN’S white middle-class teenagers attending excellent schools have slipped effortlessly into speaking like Jamaican roadmen again. 

The offspring of the privileged, all of whom are forecast to achieve top grades, have re-established their roadman identities after long summers of enunciating correctly.

Year nine pupil Joshua Hudson, known on the streets as Active J, said: “Man’s gassed to be back. Summer was bare dead being dragged around forests, learning shit.

“Mandem crew gonna be bustin’ da drive-thru at lunchtime. Not had Maccy Ds for time, bruv. Been scrannin’ nuffink but falafel and hummus at garden parties wiv the parents’ golf gimps.”

Charlotte Phelps, who the crew knows as Charley the X, agreed: “Gyal had to go glampin’ in da Hindonesian jungle. Me and my fam, in a big tent, had to listen to them two parents do sex for two whole weeks. Was rrrrank, bruv!”

And Max 01, whose parents call him Oliver O’Connor, said: “Wha’gwaan cuz? Not peng being back in dis uniform clone drip ting! Had nitty harcheological dig trip, brushing pottery and shit, heducational. Trashed my Air Force, blud. Man so vexed.

“Nang be back flexin’ wiv my mandem tho, innit. Them wasteman parents and their fake-arse life-shit ting been controlling man all summer, but now man’s bustin’ swag! Latin next period still. Aight?”