True meaning of Boxing Day is internet sales

HUGE online discounts on books, clothes and electrical goods are the true meaning of Boxing Day, it has been confirmed.

The day after Christmas has nothing to do with servants receiving special gift boxes from their masters, and is instead all about furiously clicking on massively reduced internet deals before they sell out.

Shopper Susan Traherne said: “All those old tales are outdated and bullshit. The real spirit of Boxing Day is saving £100 on a Shark vacuum you don’t need.

“Things used to be a bit different, of course. Before the internet you’d have to go out and snap up a half-price fridge in person. Thanks to the miracle of technology though you can now buy a bargain on your phone while taking a dump.

“My husband’s been known to spend whole afternoons in the bathroom buying knocked-down tat. At least that’s what I think he gets up to. I’m never quite sure.”

Deal hunter Norman Steele said: “In the future I reckon people will call Boxing Day something else, like Amazon Discount Day, and nobody will be entirely sure where the name came from.

“Maybe they’ll cook up a crazy theory about how it comes from when delivery drones would give presents to exhausted warehouse workers to thank them for their service. That would be complete bollocks though, obviously it would never happen.”

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When to leave: a quiz for elderly relatives visiting for Christmas

YOU’VE been invited around for Christmas by your children, the meal is done and you’ve enjoyed a small sherry. Should you leave now, or stay until past 11pm? 

It is approaching 7pm and, after a large dinner and an alcoholic drink, you are feeling drowsy. What do you do?

A) Thank your hosts for all their trouble, gather your coat, go for a quick wee then head to the comfort of your own home
B) Comandeer the largest chair with the best view of the television and enjoy a little nap, making sure to snore at glass-rattling volume and break wind regularly

It is approaching 8pm. Your grandchildren are watching a film and your daughter and the man she should never have married are drinking in the kitchen. What do you do?

A) Announce that it is time you should be going, gather your coat, go for a quick wee then head home
B) Begin talking over the television with a lengthy anecdote about unexpectedly meeting a relative in a pub in 1972, then announce yourself to be peckish

It is approaching 9pm. Your hosts are yawning exaggeratedly. Your grandson is crying because he was told he could play Xbox when granny had gone. What do you do?

A) Say ‘well I won’t outstay my welcome’, gather your coat, go for a quick wee then head home
B) Begin discoursing on politics, including assertions like ‘Boris was a lovely man’, ‘they were proper men down the mines’ and ‘it’s the Bangladeshis I can’t stand’ while finishing the bottle of sherry

It is approaching 10pm. Your grandchildren are being bathed and tucked up in bed. Your son-in-law is swigging whiskey from the bottle in the garden. What do you do?

A) Accusingly say ‘I should have been home hours ago’ as if you have been forcibly detained, gather your coat, go for a quick wee then leave
B) Announce it is long past your bedtime and you cannot be hanging around here all night, then remain in your chair savouring the slow collapse of your hosts’ hope

It is approaching 11pm. Your hosts have both passed out in front of the television, which at your insistence is showing The King and I. What do you do?

A) Stand up abruptly, hissing ‘I won’t stay where I’m not welcome’ and, pausing only to gather your coat and have a quick wee, leave as if mortally offended
B) Ask what time it is and, when informed it is 11pm, say ‘why didn’t you tell me?’ and demand to be taken home immediately. After gathering your coat and having a quick wee.


Mostly As: Wrong. Go back and answer again, making sure to choose mostly Bs this time

Mostly Bs: Excellent. Do not rule out staying until after midnight if you feel you would enjoy causing the inconvenience. They invited you, they knew the risks.