Five-year-old riding 6am sugar high

AFTER ploughing a mere fraction of the sweets she unwrapped this morning, a five-year-old is experiencing a monumental sugar rush long before the sun comes up.

After waking to find Santa had been, Lucy Parry discovered a treasure trove of confectionary in the stocking at the bottom of her bed and devoured them immediately as is her right.

Eight minutes later, feeling extraordinarily alive, she saw the trampoline possibilities of her bed as if for the first time, bellowing ‘Santa’s been!’ and racing up and down the landing as though completing a bleep test.

Chasing confirmation of the Christmas miracle that had visited overnight Lucy then burst into her parents’ room using only a fraction of the energy being processed by her tiny, overclocked metabolism.

Mother Donna said: “It’s like being woken up by an oncoming train.

“She won’t stop jabbering about Santa and his treats. I don’t think she can stop. That was meant to last her all day, not be demolished before dawn. She’s got sherbet all over her like an infant Scarface.”

Lucy said: “I’m riding this dragon to the stars, man. I ain’t ever gonna crash in front of Bluey and be sick.”

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Everyone only does a 'Friendsmas' once

PEOPLE only spend one Christmas with friends instead of family as it always ends in tears, arguments and alcohol poisoning, it has emerged.

Despite sounding fun in theory, a group of close friends attempting to make a three-course meal while necking excessive amounts of booze is destined to be a nightmare that results in a fatality.

Charlotte Phelps, 24, said: “Me and my uni mates tried it last year, thinking it would be great to get away from the strict rules and traditions our families impose. But now we realise those things are guardrails against disaster.

“My mum won’t let us drink until lunchtime. Turns out it’s not because she’s a boring old bag, but because being half cut while throwing potatoes into a pan of hot oil is a stupid idea. I’ve still got the scars.

“And we always eat a big traditional Christmas dinner because you need your stomach lined and nobody wants to make supper later. So, while roasties, sushi and salad sounds like the perfect meal, it’s not when you’re starving at 7pm and the only thing to eat is Celebrations.

“Basically, we got horribly pissed, had an argument about whether memes are a legitimate category for charades, I started crying, three people were sick and we were in bed by 9pm.

“They’re my best friends and I love them dearly, but I never want to spend Christmas with them ever again.”