Paula Vennells to charge exorbitant delivery fee for returning her CBE

FORMER Post Office chief Paula Vennells will charge an eye-watering sum for returning her CBE by post, it has emerged.

After the Post Office wrongfully accused hundreds of postal workers of theft while she was in charge, Vennells has decided to do the right thing and return her CBE at a hefty cost to the public.

She said: “The Post Office has lost shitloads thanks to all this legal action. It’s got to make every penny back somehow.

“Suddenly you’re all keen that I do things by the book, so I’m making sure the CBE is a first-class recorded delivery with tracking to boot. Yes, you’ll need to be in sign for it, yes you will miss it because you’ll be in the shower.

“CBE medals aren’t that big but you’ll be shocked how expensive it is to send. A rip-off, you might say. You can’t blame me though. The Queen gave it to me.

“The postman will either leave it under the safest-looking bin, drop it off with some random neighbour or return it to me. Whichever is most profitable.

“I know it’s a piss-take, but what are you going to do? Absolutely nothing for a few decades until ITV makes a drama about it? You’re pathetic.”

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How to put the spark back into your relationship by becoming Cillian Murphy

ARE you a man who wishes your partner liked and fancied you more? Simply become a creepy carbon copy of Oppenheimer star Cillian Murphy. Here’s what you need to do.

Learn acting 

Luckily there are various routes into this. There’s local amateur dramatics but ideally you should get into drama at university like Cillian, so do another degree. Your relationship may actually suffer during this part of your transformation due to always being busy learning your lines for Our Town, but remember you’re in it for the long haul.

Plastic surgery 

You’ll need pictures of Cillian and a good plastic surgeon. And a huge loan. And months of painful recovery. But there’s no other way to get Cillian’s perfect cheekbones and masculine yet delicate good looks. There’s a strong risk of permanent disfigurement, but think how great your sex life will be once, hopefully, you turn out looking like Cillian. 

Be very intense

Around now is a good time to learn Cillian’s trademark smouldering intensity. It’s basically just staring at things without blinking, so don’t sweat it. Normally being intense is a very boring trait, but your partner won’t mind. She’s shagging Cillian f**king Murphy!

Do a zombie movie

Cillian’s breakout role was of course 28 Days Later, and you need something similar. Just don’t pick a dud. If it’s called something like Last of the Daylight and Sienna Miller is ‘attached’ it should be alright. If it’s called Kebab Shop Zombie Flesh Eaters and your co-star is James Corden, it’s going to be frighteningly shit.

Learn an Irish accent

You probably should have done this earlier, but whatever. Irish accents are easy – ask Tom Cruise. Just say ‘da’ and ‘o’ a lot, eg. ‘Top o’ da mornin’ to ya, sor!’, which should now be your customary greeting.

Don’t sleep around

Everything should be going well at this point – your partner will probably be bringing you breakfast in bed every morning and be up for all sorts of sexual hi-jinks now you look like Cillian Murphy. The real Cillian is a settled family guy, but he probably still gets a lot of offers and you may not have his moral fibre. It’s not really improving your relationship if your partner keeps finding you in bed with slappers you met at the bus stop.

Become mates with Christopher Nolan 

A role in a Christopher Nolan film is a good way to get on the Hollywood radar. To be honest it it doesn’t really matter if it’s a confusing pile of cock like Tenet (not Tenant, by the way, morons). Your partner will be blown away anyway by going to the premiere and seeing the back of Timothée Chalamet’s head.

Go massive 

Now you just need a vaguely arty, worthy, critically-acclaimed mega-hit. People won’t be watching anything about scientists again after three hours of f**king Oppenheimer, so look out for scripts about Ben-Gurion, Roosevelt or Rommel. Your partner will enjoy sharing your success as the plaudits and awards roll in, and she’ll be especially excited after getting pissed at an awards do with Scarlett Johansson and Jennifer Lawrence.

Murder the real Cillian Murphy 

Now you’re Cillian Murphy you don’t want him pinching your roles. You’ll have to murder him – a blow to the head with your Oscar for Rommel would be wonderfully ironic. You’ll need help disposing of the body, but your partner can’t really complain about sawing Cillian’s legs off after all the work you’ve put in on your relationship.