The Post Office scandal to Jimmy Savile: All the crimes Starmer is implicated in, according to a right-winger

SIR Keir Starmer is responsible for pretty much every single crime that has ever happened. Here right-winger Roy Hobbs explains why.

Jimmy Savile

Starmer was in charge of the Crown Prosecution Service when it decided not to prosecute Jimmy Savile in 2009 due to insufficient evidence. So that obviously makes him responsible for the noncing, more responsible than Savile in fact. Look, you can argue until you’re blue in the face that he wasn’t the reviewing lawyer for the case and I won’t listen because I’m so desperate to label him a ‘nonce-lover’.

Jeffrey Epstein

Speaking of nonces, which I like to do, constantly, isn’t it a bit suspicious that Starmer’s sort-of colleague Peter Mandelson stayed at Jeffrey Epstein’s house in New York while Epstein was in prison? Makes Starmer completely guilty by association. Which doesn’t apply to me and my mate at work who’s got a 16-year-old girlfriend. Totally different situation.

The Post Office scandal

As Nigel Farage has so wisely been asking, why didn’t Starmer intervene in the Post Office scandal when he was Director of Public Prosecutions? By not visiting every single post office in Britain and personally ripping out those Horizon terminals he was basically taking the money from the sub-postmasters himself, then kicking them in the shins for good measure. What a bastard.

Loads of murders abroad

Did you know that Starmer went abroad to personally let a load of baby killers and axe murderers off the hook? No, don’t give me that about it having something to do with pro-bono work to abolish the death penalty in Caribbean nations, or that a civilised society must offer everyone a legal defence. The bloke is clearly just a sicko who loves psychopaths. And you think he’s fit to lead a political party? You’re just as bad.

Jeremy Corbyn

The most heinous offence of all. Starmer happily served on Corbyn’s frontbench, even when he was trying to bring in his nefarious plans to nationalise sausages and force us all to have free Communist broadband. It’s worse than all Starmer’s other crimes put together, which include the shooting of JFK, the Lindbergh baby kidnapping and my neighbour’s car being nicked. Honestly, this country has gone to the dogs, and he’s not even prime minister yet.

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If You Tolerate This Your Children Will Be Next, and other songs that are major self-owns

RECORDING crap for money? Sometimes your subconscious gives you away by announcing it’s bollocks in the lyrics, like these:  

If You Tolerate This Your Children Will Be Next, Manic Street Preachers, 1998

Heedless of the warning, we continued to tolerate a band who should have split in 1992 and now our children are exposed to them in the mid-afternoon slot at festivals. Discusses the Spanish Civil War with all the academic rigour of a spaniel which got loose in Waterstones and chewed up history books.

Too Much, Spice Girls, 1997

By the second single off their second album, post-movie, we had all had too much of the Spice Girls. A mania as inexplicable as the hula hoop or Wellerman had run its course and this was nonsense yelled over a samba beat. Nevertheless it was number one at Christmas because Britain doesn’t know how to let novelty go.

So Bad, Paul McCartney, 1983

Well into his Pipes of Peace and Frog Song days, McCartney churned out this evidence that it was all over and he was a touring act at best. A ballad so mawkish it takes the biscuit, eats it and sicks it back up again with icing still pink. ‘Girl I love you so bad,’ sings the former Beatle, every note proving his point.

Where Did It All Go Wrong?, Oasis, 2000

Be Here Now is the succinct answer. Emerging from a haze of cocaine and Britpop the band blinked, looked around and realised they’d f**ked it. Instead of quitting they staggered on to make further albums on which Liam, unforgivably, was allowed to write songs.

Again and Again, Status Quo, 1978

The Quo built a career out of releasing the same song again and again. Is this single a cheeky wink from a band who can’t believe they’re getting away with it? Or are they repeatedly playing that tedious blues riff with a complete lack of self-awareness? Either way, they sold millions while laughing in the face of creativity and innovation.

Time Will Crawl, David Bowie

After a decade of shapeshifting genius, Bowie’s persona for the late 1980s was that of talentless pop hack. Released at Bowie’s creative low, the title perfectly captures the experience of listening to it. Four minutes and twenty seconds that seem to last forever.