If Danny Dyer is not a proud gay man, why does he leave us so many clues?

AT this point, to assert that Danny Dyer is heterosexual is not just ignorant. It is an act of wilful blindness to the myriad clues he has left his fans. 

Perhaps early on, the hints to his queer identity were better hidden. Many viewers of Danny Dyer’s Deadliest Men entirely missed the homosexual subtext, though it glared out like an oiled twink under a mirrorball.

But to those who still offensively maintain he is het, look at the evidence. Look at The Football Factory, where he spends every moment with men engaging in vicious fistfights that are mere stand-ins for sodomy.

Look at his performance in 2012’s Run For Your Wife where he plays a bigamist – a man living a double life – in a performance so unconvincing nobody who saw it could ever believe he was heterosexual ever again. But so few did.

Look at EastEnders: how did Mick first appear? In a kimono. In that moment Danny came out to a world that just wasn’t ready to hear it, that stuck its fingers in its ears and sang la, la, la.

His long marriage, his three children, his rumoured affair with Sarah Harding? All as nothing compared to the rainbow trail of sourdough challah crumbs he’s been leaving behind for those attuned.

We pity you for deluding yourselves. For not seeing what shines out of Danny. For ignoring him when he says ‘I’m here, I’m a ginger, get f**king used to it you slags.’

Mick will soon return to EastEnders. He will arrive and resume his position as landlord of the Queen Vic with his new partner, Max Branning. The Christmas special will be their marriage, and the world will cheer.

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Five necessary precautions to take before making a sex tape

THINKING of filming an act of intimate and incriminating love with a partner? Take these precautions before saying ‘action’: 

Don’t be famous

While it is commonly a mistake to film yourself f**king, people are not as a general rule keen to see you naked or they’d have asked. But give your name a quick Google before being filmed clumsily shagging, because if you turn out to be Prince Andrew the world will be notably more intrigued. If you have a Wikipedia, stop.

Actually record it on tape

Invest in vintage VHS. The poor quality is so much more forgiving and isn’t on a constantly internet-connected device full of apps whose permissions you didn’t read. A single hard copy of your sexual exploits is still a risk, but write ‘Newsnight 11/6/98-15/6/98’ on the spine and you’re golden.

Check who your partner is

It’s always worth asking a few questions before being filmed banging away like a Bargain Hunt auctioneer. Long-term partner? Go on, but you’ll never watch it. One-night stand? Best not. Girl you’ve been introduced to by a billionaire in a very specific room with a large mirror set directly into a wall? Perhaps not, former president.

Keep recognisable features out of shot

Obviously this means your sweating, grimacing face stays hidden, greatly improving watchability, but watch out for prominent tattoos. Unless you’ve got the same ones as everyone else, like everyone has. Hide all birthmarks. Ideally your sex tape should be a mass of thrusting pixels with robot voices.

Don’t subcontract

Hiring a cameraman is a bad idea. A boom mike operator would add clarity but is another risk. And never allow a friend with a private island to film your lovemaking on condition he keeps a copy. It may not simply be to watch on long winter evenings and remember happier times.