'Post Office scandal' added to 'tuition fees' on list of Lib Dem achievements

THE list of achievements from the Liberal Democrats’ time in office has just doubled with the addition of the Post Office scandal. 

The party’s record when in government with the Conservatives has gone up 100 per cent with the revelation that Ed Davey ignored the scandal while postal affairs minister between 2010-2012.

Davey said: “First, the public now knows I was in government once. That’s got to count as a win.

“Previously they had no idea I was postal affairs minister and, I freely admit, neither did I. I thought I was energy secretary but apparently that was later on.

“Second, this distracts from going back on our promise not to introduce tuition fees which has hung over us ever since. Being associated with the wrongful conviction of hundreds of innocents really switches up the narrative.

“And for this to occur now just as I’m leader is exceptional timing. Though Jo Swinson was involved as well, if anyone remembers her, so it runs through from root to branch.

“We didn’t just do that. We also forced a referendum to change the electoral system to make it easier for the Liberal Democrats to get elected but the public voted against it. Never been sure why.”

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Woman listening to friend's problems interrupts to explain how she would have handled them better

A WOMAN listening to her friend’s woes has stopped her to explain how she would have dealt with the situation far more effectively. 

Sophie Rodriguez had reached the third act of the saga of poor service at a nail salon when Lucy Parry stepped in and told her how she, Lucy, would have done so much better in her place.

Parry continued: “I said I wouldn’t put up with that shit, and if I’d been there I’d have punched the manicurist in the tit and demanded my money back.

“Never mind that no sane person would ever actually do that except in heavily fictionalised anecdotes, because I wasn’t there and so there’s absolutely no way of proving otherwise.

“She dared doubt me. I said ‘I would, you know’ and reminded her that if she’d banged her boyfriend’s brother, like I would have, she wouldn’t be single now. ‘You never take my advice,’ I added.

“Sophie’s problems are a great, no-risk way for me to hypothesise how I’d behave in made-up scenarios – well, I suppose they’re real to her – and it turns out every time I’d do brilliantly. She should learn from me.”

Rodriguez said: “Never do anything Lucy says she’d do and you won’t go far wrong.”