Should you sext someone who just wanted a ham and mushroom pizza? A guide for arseholes

A THIRD of 18 to 34-year-olds have been inappropriately texted by staff at takeaways or delivering parcels. Here’s a handy checklist to read before sending customers a picture of your cock.

Did they show any romantic interest in you?

It’s notoriously hard to read the signals that someone is attracted to you, but in this case they were on the phone ordering a lamb bhuna and mushroom rice, so the answer is ‘OF COURSE THEY F**KING DIDN’T’.

Did a parcel recipient interact in a suggestive manner?

If they opened the door, signed for the parcel if necessary, said ‘Thank you’ and closed the door again, it’s possible they were not craving sex. Although in fairness it’s easy to mistake erotically-charged comments like ‘Hope the rains stays off!’ for raw sexual desire.

How did the customer behave in the takeaway?

Prolonged eye contact can be a sign of attraction. However prolonged eye contact with the pictures of pizzas when they come in to pick up their order just means they’re hungry. They do not want to f**k the pizza. Not after they’ve paid an astonishing 18 quid for a bit of dough and some pepperoni.

When you order food yourself, do you have sex with the takeaway guy?

The answer’s ‘no’, isn’t it? When your Chinese banquet arrives you don’t invite the driver in for a blowjob, do you? Only a twat with a tragic addiction to PornHub videos would think that’s a common occurrence. Ah. This is starting to make sense.

Did the customer say anything flirtatious?

Flirtation typically involves being super-attentive and paying compliments. If your entire conversation was ‘Three pieces of chicken and a Coke’ they’re either (A) not flirting, or (B) really f**king lazy when they’re trying to get someone into bed.

How would you feel about someone sexting your mum, sister or girlfriend when they just want some Szechuan noodles?

Don’t say ‘fine’ because that is a pathetic lie. Unless you have the same understanding of morality and civilised behaviour as a hyena. Which, if you’re sending sexual messages and possibly pictures to terrified strangers, is admittedly likely.

How did the homeowner take delivery of a parcel?

If they stood there in a see-through negligee while licking their lips lasciviously and stating that their husband was ‘away on business’ and they were ‘feeling randy’, that is unquestionably a come-on. However you’ve got more important things to think about than sex, because you’ve somehow become trapped in a shit 1970s sex comedy.

What would you recommend as a side-order with pizza?

Garlic bread, spicy potato wedges, or a picture of an engorged penis, specifically yours. Or some coleslaw.

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The Clarks foot gauge: Experiences too good to be wasted on your kids

CHILDREN are too stupid to know a good thing when they see it. These childhood experiences should really be restricted to discerning adults like you.

The Clarks foot gauge

For kids, this little device is an annoying formality on the path to getting velcro school shoes. For grown-ups it’s the equivalent of a full body massage. Even the thought of your foot being gently squeezed at the sides by a sales assistant is enough to send euphoric shivers up your spine. You’d go into Clarks by yourself and ask to have a go if it wasn’t weird.

Summer holidays

Imagine it. Six weeks of being able to do f**k all. And because children don’t have a proper concept of time, they’re effectively enjoying an eternity of lying in and watching cartoons all day. If heaven exists, it surely resembles this. You’d appreciate it too, not like your kids who have the nerve to be bored.

Supermarket trolley child seats

The big shop is a weekly trauma of loading increasingly expensive ready meals into a trolley and realising you forgot your bag for life again. Not for kids though, who get a rickshaw-style ride through the dizzying aisles of consumerism as they’re pushed around by a giant. You’d definitely climb in if trolleys had big seats for adults. It’d be worth your partner going off sex indefinitely.

Bouncy castles

Sure, these inflated playhouses offer plenty of gravity-defying fun. That’s not what you miss though. No, you’re pining for a time when your spine and knees could withstand endlessly bouncing around and bumping into other people. These days you can only look on like some terrifying spectre of the ageing process. You don’t even get a scythe like the Grim Reaper, although that might raise a few eyebrows at Charlotte’s birthday party.

Children’s menus

Adult food is pretentious and costly. And it doesn’t even come with an activity pack and a little box of crayons. Meanwhile kids get treated to dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets at a very reasonable price. Even the names of their meals are more fun. Worst of all though is the fact that the novelty sails right over their adorable, ungrateful heads.