Eight corporate jobs they also have in hell

THE office is already hell if it’s not air-conditioned, but which of your colleagues are earmarked for plum jobs in the pit of the damned?

Security guard

On our earthly plane, Jim on security won’t let you in without your pass even though you’ve seen him every day for a decade. In the netherworld he becomes Charon, the boatman on the river Styx, and if you have no money for your fare he will say ‘sorry love’ and ‘it’s more than my job’s worth’.

Finance manager

On earth, the finance manager leads other, lesser demons to torment mortals whose sales projections are not up to date. In Hell, they take it up a notch, punishing sinners by attending strategy meetings that are none of their business which last all eternity.

Tech guy

On earth, the IT guy spends most of his time in a subterranean, chilly universe called the Server Room. In the bowels of hell, IT guys are promoted to torment suffering souls trying to reset their password by branding them with it again and f**king again.

Strategy analyst

On earth they have an air of palpable smugness that hints at their stupidly inflated salary. Down below they do things like propose a company merger with the Buddhist underworld or naraka that brings plaudits from Satan and pure, seething hatred from everyone else.

Compliance and risk manager

When living, their job is to think of every terrible thing that might befall a person so they can avoid corporate liability. It’s the same role in Hades but there demons use it as more of a to-do list.


On earth a gatekeeper to the CEO with stylish blonde highlights and a nasty bite. Post-damnation they assume their true form as Cerberus the snarling hell-hound, receptionist of the gates of Hell and keeper of Lucifer’s diary.

Social events manager

Social events managers pick events no one wants to do, divide people into groups and make them run around in distress, which is straight from Dante. In the underworld they add flipcharts, force hapless sinners to brainstorm and say ‘there are no bad ideas’.

Social media manager

In hell as on Earth, desperately trying to go viral by tweeting sassy interactions with other brands, eventually going too far with the message ‘Branston Pickle pussy be wild yo’, and summoning the foulest monsters from the pit. It’s a mess only PR people could clean up. Fortunately Hell is crawling with them.

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Fears that Sunak vs Johnson could escalate into diss tracks

AS the prime minister and the last-but-one prime minister trade barbs in public, concerns are growing that the spat could escalate into diss tracks.

After open warfare broke out over Johnson’s honours list, rumours that he is heading into a recording studio to spit fire bars about his rival and ether him like Nas did Jay-Z continue to circulate.

A Downing Street source said: “Sunak’s been spotted jotting lyrics on the bus to work like Eminem. Johnson’s said to be workshopping some raw shit on the underground circuit.

“We’re one TikTok drop away from the bloodiest beef since NYC’s Roxanne Wars. Boris has laid it down cold over samples of military marches from his shellac-crate-digging MC, Rees-Mogg.

“He’s the bomb on the mic, mixing Latin rhymes with Peppa Pig similes, and what a freestyler. He’s basically freestyled his whole career.

“And while Sunak has an inherent advantage coming from the Soton hood, his previous rhyme was Eat Out to Help Out. His stuff’s shit. It’ll sound like a G-Unit track written by ChatGPT.

“This could prove fatal. Not for them, for hip-hop.”

Sunak said: “The diss in diss track stands for disrespect.”