'A Liverpool lass treated so horrid: hear ye the ballad of Nadine Dorries'

OH, gather ye children from their homes for a tale of woe that’ll leave you cold, a Liverpool lass treated so horrid: hear ye the ballad of Nadine Dorries. 

A grey-haired beauty from Merseyside, Nadine believed not Labour’s socialist lies. From humble stock yet dreaming of glory, she headed to London to be a Tory.

Made member for Mid Bedfordshire, Nadine’s ambitions set her sights higher. She appeared on ITV’s Celebrity Jungle where she dined well on kangaroo bunghole.

The Cabinet was her destiny, but two Eton boys would not let it be, so politely informing them off to f**k, she instead wrote brilliant best-selling books.

Then in 2019 came her white knight, a man handsome and brave to set the world right. Hailed for Brexit, the holy one’s son: Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson.

Set at his right hand as culture minister, their relationship pure and not at all sinister, they ruled Britain from moral ground high and to her he would never ever, ever lie.

Brought down by pygmies for birthday cake, a promise to Nadine did her Boris make. Swore to her a lady she’d be, getting £332 every day for free.

But two more posh boys, these ones from Winchester, refused to do the right thing and invest her. Her ladyship blocked, she wept for the Scousers, for it was for their simple sake she would sit in both Houses.

Her Boris betrayed, he assured her sincerely, she had naught but her show on Talk TV. Reputation ruined, clothes tatters and rags, she sadly called Harriet Harman a hag.

So gather ye round, here in the gutter, where a grey-haired old derelict squats and mutters. A Liverpool lass treated so horrid: this was the ballad of Nadine Dorries.

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A lovely frozen carrot: tips for cooling down your dog he won't give a shit about

THE summer is here and your dog’s hot and overdramatic about it. Try these great ways to help your pet stay cool which won’t work and he’ll resent you for: 

Freeze a carrot

Want to make an ice-cold, super-healthy chew your dog will love? Naive enough to believe that can be achieved by freezing a carrot? Then you’ll reap the reward: a slightly licked carrot defrosting in a puddle on the carpet.

Buy him doggy ice cream

Congratulations, you have wasted money. It won’t even get the polite sniff the carrot got, and now you’ll have doggy f**king ice cream in the freezer for the next ten years. Good. It’ll remind you of your foolishness.

Put him in front of a fan

Yes, he will move every five minutes and your body temperature will approach that of a bus driver’s balls as you spend all day conducting feng shui for a dog. Unless he’s so alarmed by it he shits.

Hose him down with cold water

There’s nothing a hot human loves more than a cold shower until the moment it hits skin, but to your dog you are simply giving him a bath. An experience every dog takes bitterly. You’ll feel the cold of his icy glare.

Put out a paddling pool

Takes three hours to fill and the dog’s deathly afraid of it. Even when his ball’s in it he stands by the back door, legs tensed, barking wildly. You have delivered him to his nemesis.

Keep him inside

You bastard. You cruel, sadistic monster. You decided, apropos of nothing, to trap him inside away from his lovely outside. Being kept a few degrees cooler hasn’t stopped him standing by the back door all day crying.

Shave him

There’s no better way of cooling a dog than shaving a dog. Give him a number one all over and he’ll be lovely and chill and will never, ever forgive you.