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Mark Zuckerberg to gut Elon Musk and wear him as a skin suit

AN upcoming cage match between Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk will end in one of the more horrible deaths ever streamed on Facebook.

The tech billionaires have challenged each other to a fight, in which the 39-year-old trained martial artist who owns Facebook will tear into 52-year-old Musk like Han Solo into a f**king tauntaun.

Casino owner Joseph Turner said: “Yeah, like the illegal cage matches I hold in underground car parks, this will be over in 40 seconds with somebody dead.

“Zuckerberg’s built an evil empire leeching the world dry, a reflection of his twisted soul. Elon bought a car company, pretends he’s going to Mars and has a kid called X Æ A-Xii. They are not the same.

“It’ll take 30 seconds to render his rival helpless, then Mark’s going to unleash every Mortal Kombat finisher on him consecutively. He’s going to eviscerate him like he’s online media. He’s going to harvest his skin like it’s your personal data.”

The entire event will be streamed live on Facebook and Twitter, though the Twitter livestream will not work because Musk fired everybody.

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Your penis is the perfect size, lies woman

A WOMAN has declared that her partner’s penis is neither too big nor too small, while averting her eyes at the last part. 

Lauren Hewitt made the statement after being asked her honest opinion by boyfriend Tom Logan, who has been unusually quiet ever since.

While in bed with Logan, Hewitt told him: “It’s not, like, massive, but it’s definitely not small. It’s honestly just right. For me, anyway.

“Some people think bigger is always better but that’s not true. Not that yours isn’t big, of course. It’s actually the perfect size. I wouldn’t want it to be any bigger, that’s for sure. Not that I’ve thought about it or anything.”

Continuing for a bit too long, Hewitt added: “If you’re wondering why all my dildos are bigger it’s because they don’t make them in, er, ‘slightly larger than average’ size. 

“Hey, that’s a business opportunity! Hahaha! Let’s talk about something else.”

Logan said: “If I’d got an embarrassingly small cock that always leaves her sexually unsatisfied Lauren would have told me, right? Yeah. Of course she would.”

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