Why nobody must be punished for the Post Office scandal, by anyone in any kind of power

THERE is loose talk of penance. Of ‘having to pay’. But as a person who has done well in life, I believe we cannot punish anyone involved in the Post Office scandal. 

Who could look at this tragedy, with hundreds of innocents serving sentences, lives ruined, and say ‘we need to imprison more people’? Can we not learn from our mistakes?

Once you ascend to a certain level, responsibility becomes a very fragile thing. It’s not simple, like a man with a shop or a subpostmaster with their office. It’s much more diffuse.

Have I seen an email or haven’t I? Did I read that report or just skim it? Was my attention elsewhere during a meeting? For the little people these questions mean nothing. It cannot be that for those of us with boardrooms and rewarding financial packages it becomes a crime.

Really, all Paula Vennells did wrong was trust. To trust her subordinates, to trust Fujitsu, to trust all those who wanted the best for her and her organisation. Is that so bad, trusting them over employees who had, let’s not forget, criminal records?

And while there is guilt here, it is smeared so very lightly over the hundreds involved that it is only microns thick, more a misdemeanour. Not like the big fat dollops of guilt that landed on those subpostmasters’ counters, making them easy arrests.

For if Vennells is guilty, are not those involved in Grenfell? In Covid grant fraud? Is not every CEO, MP, and former Met Police commissioner Cressida Dick then responsible for the injustices and deaths on their watch? What kind of world would that be?

No, a judge should conclude this is all very wrong, compensation should be paid from the public purse, everyone involved must apologise and keep their bonuses, and let the matter end there.

After all it could have been any of us. By which I mean myself and my mates.

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How to stay annoyed during a heatwave

DURING heatwaves it’s important to take appropriate precautions during a heatwave so that you stay British and irritable, not relaxed like a foreigner. Remain peeved with this guide: 

Wear inappropriate clothing

Shorts and summer dresses provide too much ventilation. To keep your mood simmering and the needle in the red wear a suit, jeans and leather jacket or even a woollen beanie. Layers are crucial, as is a heavy bag. One sweaty earbud slipping out and being stepped on completes the ensemble.

Avoid shade

Cool, shadowy areas are lethal for stifling whinges about the weather. Instead of sheltering under a tree, excavating a cave or going into Costa subject yourself to the full glare of the sun, ideally in an all-concrete environment. Refrain from drinking water lest it make you reasonable.

Neglect suncream 

Suncream protects your skin from UV rays but you need to protect your UV rage. Retain your edge by getting a burn that hurts when even glanced at. A good one will keep you irate and can even outlast the heatwave itself, providing reservoirs of ire for overcast days.

Seek out heated environments

Temperatures in the high twenties can only push you so far. To really get a temper, frequent inhospitably hot environments like blast furnaces or a rail replacement buses with sealed windows. Even joining the fractious mob jostling for meal deals will have your nails dug into your palms.

Shake your fist at the sun

Staring directly at the sun while shaking your fist is an aggravating reminder of your impotence against its baleful eye. There’s nothing you do to stop this blinding bastard from torching you and it’s only going to get worse. Then, to relax, book a holiday in the Med where it will be 42 in August.