TINDER is different for the sexes. Men are secretly hoping a date will end in a shag, women are secretly hoping he’s joking about his Andor action figure collection. Here are the worst stories compared.

Questions

A bad Tinder date from the female perspective can feel like watching a TED talk with only the briefest of audience interactions. Reassure yourself it’s because he’s trying to impress you rather than his total lack of interest in your life and opinions. Don’t worry – he will eventually ask you a question when the food arrives: ‘Are you really going to eat all that?’

Nutters

A man tells his mates he’s ‘hooked a psycho’ if she asks him within the first six months where this is going and does controlling things like wanting him to stop shagging other girls. 

For a lady, it’s when a seemingly normal man leans over halfway through drinks and says she has ‘the bone structure of a forest goddess’ and asks if she’s ever taken part in a ‘midsummer ritual’. And has she ever seen The Wicker Man? No? Good.

Dishonesty

The worst thing a woman can be is dishonest, men believe, particularly about her age, weight and how recent her photos are. But there again, if one shows her holding a Nokia 3310 they’ve probably only got themselves to blame. 

Meanwhile, men tend to fib about the small things like height, marital status and criminal records. Everyone exaggerates, like when a guy says he’s a property developer but doesn’t mention it’s a house in Hounslow where he lives with his mum and the students they rent rooms to. Still, he’s a fun 47-year-old who goes clubbing with them.

Exes

A man will bitch to his mates about a prospective girlfriend who mentions she stays in touch with one or two fellas whose orgasm face she’s seen. Unless she’s had any female partners, in which case that is a different kind of anecdote altogether and to be actively encouraged. Meanwhile, many Tinder dates can honestly say they’re not in touch with their ex-girlfriend because she’s actually his current girlfriend. Or his wife at home with the kids.

Definitions of success

If you talk about a Tinder date being bad, that just means it hasn’t met your personal definition of success. From a man’s perspective that means forming a meaningful connection, obviously, and definitely not just getting his leg over and then boasting later that you shagged, like, seven or eight times, but why should that mean he has to text you back?

From the woman’s perspective, she’ll whine if it doesn’t end in long-term love, which on Tinder is like mining for gold amongst radioactive waste. She needs to have realistic expectations – him only talking solidly about his car for 75 minutes is a pretty good outcome for a Tinder date.