Arts & Entertainment

Six films to make you count your blessings about lockdown, or whatever

LOCKDOWN 2 is here, promising to be as good as Ghostbusters 2. These six movies should make you realise being stuck at home again isn’t so bad.

Why Bake Off is all that stands between me and full mental breakdown

IF I had been told, back when this started, that in September I’d be looking at another six months of this shit, I’d have choked myself to death on my own freshly-baked banana bread.

Couple fondly remembers when they used to have sex because there was nothing on telly

A MIDDLE AGED couple have wistfully remembered the times when they used to be able to have sex because there was nothing to watch on telly.

Five not-at-all racist or sexist reasons why gammons can't stand Alex Scott

WITH former England footballer and TV presenter Alex Scott set to take over from Sue Barker on A Question Of Sport, our panel of gammons explain why she’s the wrong choice.

Five wonderfully depressing EastEnders Covid-19 storylines

EASTENDERS is back with a bleak lockdown storyline, but there are surely many more pandemic possibilities. What about these?

Gammon unsure whether he's outraged or aroused by same-sex couple on Strictly

A MAN who has learned that Strictly Come Dancing will feature two women dancing together is unsure whether to be appalled or turned on.

The BBC programmes Brexiters want to see

NEW BBC director general Tim Davie has promised to reflect the views of all audiences, including Brexiters. Leave voter Donna Sheridan runs down her dream line-up.

Benito Mussolini to appear on Live at the Apollo

ITALIAN dictator Benito Mussolini is to perform on the BBC comedy show Live at the Apollo in an effort to redress left-wing bias.

Music fans recreate Reading Festival by turning garden into pit of mud and piss

READING Festival regulars heartbroken at its cancellation are to recreate it at home by turning their gardens into pits of mud, urine and fighting bikers.

Five excellent films to ruin with a shit prequel

A MAD Max prequel is in the pipeline, which may ruin everyone’s memories of the earlier films by being shit. Here are some more classics to f**k up.

Man trying to get Rule Britannia to number one as if people still give a f**k about the charts

A MAN who is trying to upset woke liberals by getting Rule Britannia to the top of the charts has failed to realise no one gives a toss about them anymore.

Are you a Last Night of the Proms wanker?

ARE you livid that the Last Night of the Proms won't sing Land of Hope and Glory? Has an instrumental Rule Britannia driven you into a fervour of vengeful patriotism?