Arts & Entertainment

Tickets on the door only, rules Ticketmaster

TICKETMASTER has closed its secondary resales websites and its main website, announcing that from now on the only way to get in is to queue at the door. 

I can't wait to see Jason Statham fight a massive vagina, sorry I mean shark

AS a huge fan of the Stath I’ve always wanted to see him punch a giant predatory vagina - oops I meant to say shark.

Mark Kermode's top films that are set in his own rectum

HI, I'm Mark Kermode and it's fine if you think I'm a twat.

What toss is it this year at the Mercury Music Prize?

IT’S that time of year when musos gather to prove who’s got the oddest and therefore best taste in music with the Mercury Music Prize. Here’s the shortlist.

Man who just wants more people to read books furious about the books they’re reading

A MAN who thinks people should read more is absolutely horrified with everyone's choice of reading.

Time-travelling smartarse 'is terrible role model for children'

DOCTOR Who is a totally unrealistic and quite annoying role model for children, parents have realised.

I know how you feel Boris, by Mr Blobby

DEAR Boris, I too am a bulbous pink figure with a toothy grin who went from media darling to widely despised irritant.

England fan jailed for writing shit football song

AN ENGLAND fan has been jailed for writing a song called Ball of Victory.