Arts & Entertainment

A MAN in his mid-40s is enjoying a gig by dancing with his arms firmly crossed, it has emerged.

TRAITORS fans, chasing a buzz in Dry January, have convinced themselves all this year’s cast are secretly connected. These perfectly sensible theories explain how.

NOEL Gallagher has confirmed he will draw on the similarities between James Bond and their own fans in new Bond theme ‘Fighting While Pissed’.

JANUARY? Depressed? These self-pitying acts unable to see past their own dejected noses will provide the perfect soundtrack for your gloom.

A MAN who is home alone watching Jools Holland’s Hootenanny on New Year’s Eve has begun masturbating as a challenge to himself to sink even lower.

A BOY who had his heart set on getting dry markers and ugly paints for Christmas is amazed to find them under the Christmas tree.

CHRIS Rea, the Middlesbrough-born singer-songwriter who wanted to be known for his more serious work, has departed this life at exactly the wrong time for that.

OUR national institutions have fallen one by one, and this weekend we lost the last. No Bond, no Who, no-one in Downing Street and no Strictly presenters. It’s over.

THREE years ago, I and my fellow critics gave Avatar II a kicking. Then it made $2.3 billion. We have never felt so powerless, and now it’s going to happen again.