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Chris de Burgh: Acts you'd f**king love to see do a surprise Glastonbury set

LADY Gaga and Pulp are both rumoured to be performing surprise Glastonbury sets. But the anguish of the audience if these artists strode onstage instead would be a joy: 

Celine Dion

What Glastonbury audience wouldn’t want to see this Vegas legend belt out My Heart Will Go On? You came to see Kneecap and Charli XCX? Tough shit, you’re getting an hour of overwrought ballads at top volume which will inevitably remind you of Titanic, the disaster which a wet Glastonbury resembles.

Chris de Burgh

Oh, the confusion on thousands of faces as Chris launches into Lady in Red. Is this ironic? Has my mum arrived to pick me up? The selection of mid-tempo ballads will grind on until the big finish of A Spaceman Came Travelling, about an alien bringing a message of peace at the birth of Jesus. Perfect for Glasto because you’d need to be on drugs.

Morrissey

It’s time for rehabilitation after all that right-wing business, and where better to begin? A Trump-style perspex box to deflect the bottles of piss, and a big red ‘STOP NOW’ sign for when he starts to express his racist views, and it’s a career relaunch! Until he says the racist things regardless.

Brian May

Not Queen, who presumably have been asked. Brian’s solo stuff, beginning with Driven by You, written for a Ford advert in 1991, and the iconic theme to Star Fleet. And when he does some Queen stuff, the whole of Worthy Farm will be rocking out to ‘Fat bottomed girls, you make the rockin’ world go round!’ Or just standing there awkwardly. It’s a toss-up.

Kanye West

Played before, a decade ago, but Ye’s changed since then. Notably he’s become a swastika T-shirt selling Nazi who stalks his ex-wife and forces his current wife to walk around nude. Performing new track Heil Hitler would have the crowds battering the fence down like in the 90s, but this time from the inside to escape.

Sky

The prog rock outfit that included legendary classical guitarist John Williams and Curved Air’s Francis Monkman were terminally uncool even in the 70s. So it would be absolutely joyous to watch hip young Glastonbury audiences enduring rock versions of Bach’s Toccata and Fugue in D Minor. Not so ‘rizz’ now are you, young persons?

Whitesnake

Surprise sets are meant to be surprising, and you don’t get much more unexpected than 80s hair rockers Whitesnake who never understood why Spinal Tap was meant to be funny. Declared to be a success after the event by Emily Eavis because it directly precipitates a sales spike for beanburgers.

Sinitta

Cheesy retro acts are looked on kindly at chilled-out Glastonbury, but Stock, Aitken and Waterman product Sinitta? So Macho was mechanical electro-pop at its worst, and horribly dated now. It’s unlikely attendees would warm to lyrics like ‘I’m tired of taking the lead, I want a man who will dominate me’ unless Sabrina Carpenter sings them.

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Shitty GCSE English texts, ranked

WAS the last proper book you ever read one you were forced to by teachers when you were 16? These GSCE texts killed your love of literature for life: 

A Christmas Carol, Charles Dickens, 1843

First, the Muppet version is definitive. Second, the book is at least short with ghosts in, but it won’t feel short when reading because Dickens never stinted on an adjective or a comma. It’s got sub-Shakespearian puns, boring morality and Tiny Tim, ‘who did not die’. Cured by a big f**king turkey, evidently.

Lord of the Flies, William Golding, 1954

Plot-wise pretty good, like an archaic version of Fortnite. Used at GCSE because teenage boys always need more ideas of how to torture each other, but bangs on about symbolic Simon when all anyone cares about is whether Jack will beat Ralph. Back then, readers needed books to understand the dark side of human nature without society and wi-fi. Now we have Fyre Festival.

Much Ado About Nothing, William Shakespeare, 1598

Included on the curriculum like a vaccine, to expose pupils to a mild form of Shakespeare to ensure they’re immune from its effects in later life. But that doesn’t stop classes of children from hating it: hating Hero, hating Benedick even if his name does have ‘dick’ in it, and hating f**king Dogberry. Hating him, for trying to be funny, most of all.

Of Mice and Men, John Steinbeck, 1937

Has caused many a stab at a Deep South accent by 15-year-olds in Surrey. Cheering to see rabbits being cared for even worse than you did it, RIP Fluffy, but Curley’s wife representing the American dream, killed by a moronic mumbling halfwit? Actually maybe this one bears re-reading.

Blood Brothers, Willy Russell, 1983

Oliver Twist with more screaming, songs and Scousers. Hinges upon offering your child to your employer as though that’s a real thing that happens. About class warfare, nature-nurture and twin trauma so it’s proper GCSE catnip – tragic ending, dramatic irony, gunshots, poor people. You got a grade C for writing ‘Mickey is sad and Eddie is posh’.

An Inspector Calls, JB Priestley, 1944

The worst. A fake inspector – which in itself sounds like a porn plot – shows up at a family’s house revealing their secrets like a 1912 Jeremy Kyle. Why not request ID before spilling all your secrets? Universally seen in a touring production where the house falls down, which works both on a symbolic level and when you’re bored shitless because Mr Taylor confiscated your phone.

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