Kneecap to sue bastards who nicked their thing

KNEECAP have announced they are taking legal action against punk band Bob Vylan for stealing anti-Israel publicity that was rightfully theirs. 

The Northern Irish rap group, who had spent weeks building up to being the main anti-Zionist attraction at the Glastonbury Festival, are demanding an apology and £500,000 in loss of earnings from the previously unknown punks.

Kneecap member Mo Chara said: “Our set is still up on the iPlayer and nobody even cares. Now that’s injustice.

“We had carefully prepared the ground for our Glastonbury appearance for weeks with a court case and a number of cancelled gigs across the country. It’s been meticulous.

“But now we find the middle-class rebellious teenagers who should be buying our branded ski masks are all buying dreadlock wigs instead because Bob Vylan are the hottest establishment-scandalising band out there, not us.

“It is a clear breach of the conditions of our booking. We were meant to be outraging public sensibilities and reaping the benefits thereof, not some no-mark punk act.”

Music journalist Joseph Turner said: “Kneecap have learned a hard lesson in how fickle pro-Palestine pop fans’ affections are. One day you’re everything, the next you’re nobody.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

How to prove you have the train door button situation well under control

THE train is into the station. You’re closest to the door button. But you sense the other passengers’ doubt. Can he handle this? Will he crack up? Show them they’re wrong: 

Establish dominance

You hold power, but the rabble will be wondering if you’re who they want for a leader. Challengers may even assert they could open those doors up to 0.25 of a second quicker. Silence them by holding your hand, poised, in mid-air over the button and hear the sharp intake of breath from the masses. Hover, you f**ker, hover!

Demonstrate prowess

Prove that you, a fully grown adult, know how the door opening process works. As the train slows, give it a few lightning-fast trial presses. You know it isn’t lit yet; this is a practice run so you can show off your skillset and quite literally flex your muscle. Any delays won’t be down to you, the crowd recognises. You have staved off rebellion for now.

Flaunt impatience

It’s key that your subjects know you’re as restless as they are, so curse the button under your breath for stopping you leading them to the promised land of platform 14. This shows your rage at being denied your chance to be a locomotive Moses. A woman may dash forward with a handkerchief to mop the sweat from your brow. Allow this.

Seize the moment

Once illuminated, show flair in your push. Go in smooth with one finger outstretched in the style of an assassin or prostate exam, or flip at the last nanosecond to give a cool, back-handed swipe. Then push it again because the door hasn’t opened immediately. And again, for those at the back.

Lead the way

Your job isn’t over once the button’s been pushed. Wait for the comforting hiss of hydraulics and then stride ahead, showing your people the way to freedom. Ignore all the other puffed-up button-pushers from other carriages. So what if they got off first? It’s not a competition.