Arts & Entertainment

Five ways to drive yourself up the f**king wall looking up a song

GOT a song in your head but can’t remember anything concrete about it? Here’s how to drive yourself insane while trying to find it.

Brat vs Dark Side of the Moon: The dad's guide to totally unfair album comparisons

THE bestselling albums of 2024 have been announced, and they prove today’s music is rubbish compared to what dads listened to in their youth. Let’s compare totally different things.

Sex on Fire, and other songs so terrible they overshadow anything good the artist ever achieved

IT only takes one appalling song to undermine a musical legacy. Here are the tunes that ruined everything for the talented idiots who wrote them.  

Sophie Ellis-Bextor's guide to doing karaoke at your local pub

HORRIBLE people have criticised Sophie Ellis-Bextor’s New Year’s Eve BBC show. However the singer feels it was a performance worthy of any pub karaoke night. Here are her tips.

Mum forcing family to watch old, shit film

A MOTHER is selfishly forcing her entire family to watch a film that was made before 1990 and is therefore a slow, cheap, boring torture.

How to join the National Richard Osman Crappy Christmas Book Opt-out Register

KEEN to avoid being gifted the latest mediocre book by a TV celebrity abusing their fame by way of the written word? Complete the following form and email to the Home Office:.

The MasterChef Christmas special they didn't want you to see

LIKE an 80s video nasty or the Star Wars Holiday Special, Masterchef’s Christmas show will never be seen by anyone. These are descriptions of the most chilling scenes. Reader discretion advised.

Lovers' Guide, and other sexy things that look pathetically dated in hindsight

THE famous 1991 sex tips video Lovers’ Guide is in the news due to the sad death of one its stars. But like so many vaguely forbidden sex things, the reality didn’t match up...

Women just way safer, says BBC

THE BBC has announced it is choosing women for everything from now on because they mostly do not cause horrible sleazy scandals that take ages to sort out.

Last Tango in Paris, and other films that are not a great advert for bumming

ANAL can be a beautiful act between loving couples in committed relationships, but is rarely portrayed that way by so-called liberal Hollywood. These acts are off-putting.