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Arts & Entertainment

Man watching Hootenanny alone starts wanking to see if it's possible to sink lower

A MAN who is home alone watching Jools Holland’s Hootenanny on New Year’s Eve has begun masturbating as a challenge to himself to sink even lower.

Kid who wanted shit art supplies can't believe his f**king luck

A BOY who had his heart set on getting dry markers and ugly paints for Christmas is amazed to find them under the Christmas tree.

Stranger Things marathon to ruin grandmother's Christmas

If Chris Rea wished to be known for his other work, he chose an inopportune time to leave us

CHRIS Rea, the Middlesbrough-born singer-songwriter who wanted to be known for his more serious work, has departed this life at exactly the wrong time for that.

Without a James Bond, a Doctor Who, Strictly presenters and a prime minister, Britain is defenceless

OUR national institutions have fallen one by one, and this weekend we lost the last. No Bond, no Who, no-one in Downing Street and no Strictly presenters. It’s over.

Avatar III: you're going to see it anyway aren't you, you shitehawks – our review

THREE years ago, I and my fellow critics gave Avatar II a kicking. Then it made $2.3 billion. We have never felt so powerless, and now it’s going to happen again.

Six other Doctor Who monsters you would, if you're honest, shag

NEW Doctor Who spin-off The War Between the Land and the Sea centres around a man banging a Sea Devil. Fair enough, because you wouldn’t kick these out of bed.

Girls' School by Wings, and other forgotten Christmas number ones

XMAS by Kylie looks set to be the Christmas number one, but many tracks which achieved the same feat never get featured on Christmas playlists. Specifically these.

Hold My Hand, and five other songs you'll hate forever because they were in adverts

YOU quite liked it. Then it was in an advert, and 200+ involuntary listens curdled that into hate. These are the songs you can no longer hear without your mind adding the relevant slogan.

Wouldn't Casablanca be better as a ten-episode season where nothing happens? asks Netflix

NETFLIX is inviting viewers to imagine their favourite Warner Bros properties turned into prestige TV shows with moody lighting and no plot development.