Arts & Entertainment

YOU live in a small town of no real note and yet someone has decided you deserve your own music festival. These are the only headliners you can get.

CLUTCHING your pearls at Sabrina Carpenter’s new album cover? Grow up and look at some proper smut with these alternatives.

AN acclaimed new album by Pulp focuses on the age-appropriate subject of erectile dysfunction for nine of its 11 tracks.

LADY Gaga and Pulp are both rumoured to be performing surprise Glastonbury sets. But the anguish of the audience if these artists strode onstage instead would be a joy.

WAS the last proper book you ever read one you were forced to by teachers when you were 16? These GSCE texts killed your love of literature for life.

LOVE Island is back, and this summer’s contestants are the most homogenous yet. Here they are in ascending order of tiny slivers of individuality.

BEAUTIFUL blonde Billie Piper has immediately become a dad’s most beloved incarnation of the Doctor, he has confirmed.

THERE is a new Banksy out there, and if you can smash the wall it’s on and get the bits home, you’ll be a millionaire! These are the rules.

DOCTOR Who is too woke, and needs to return to its roots of an old white man visiting inferior cultures and sneering at them. Who should take the role?

KNEECAP’S performance at Glastonbury will be so middle-class it could be mistaken for a John Lewis sale, organisers have warned.