ONE week to go until the end of summer term and go f**k yourself, schools! We’re off on a term-time holiday!

Yes, I am taking my children aged nine and 12 out of your schools a week early to save £2,300 on a fortnight in Tunisia, which I believe to be an eminently rational decision.

Because as we both well know, holidays are much, much cheaper in term-time, aren’t they? And money is real. What else do we both know? That my children will be doing nothing next week but bullshit.

Colouring! Wordsearches! Running around aimlessly in fields! SATs are over. GCSEs are over. You have five days of giving the kids fun shit to do while you tidy up. Is this worth £2,300 of my money? I respectfully suggest it is f**king not.

You may attempt to fine me. You won’t fine me that f**king much, will you? And I’m betting that six weeks swilling wine in a gîte in the South of France – you don’t stint on your own holidays, I notice – will erode your memory enough for us to get away with it.

So f**k you, f**k the council, and f**k society. We’re all going on a term-time holiday, all-inclusive with a private beach. You’re just jealous because you’re too middle-class to do it.