AN 18-YEAR-OLD in Swindon wishes he had hired party dwarves for a Mafia-themed birthday party like Lamine Yamal, but instead went bowling and to Nando’s. 

Jordan Gardner sketched out a plan for a party which included dwarves serving drinks, large-breasted women dancing, Calvin Harris on the decks and all guests dressed in Armani suits and snorting cocaine from silver trays only for his parents to scale it down.

He said: “Bloody Yamal. Thinks he’s better than me just because he earns £270,000 a week at Barcelona and I got fired from my job collecting glasses at The Feathers.

“I offered to cut costs – only three dwarves and we’d do the coke straight off the boobs, cut out the middleman – but even that was too much for the tight bastards despite it being a very significant birthday.

“So while he’s got 200 guests at a villa, I’ve got five of the boys at Hollywood Bowl followed by peri-peri chicken. I tried to enforce a Cosa Nostra dress code but they wore jogging bottoms and Crocs.”

Father Simon Gardner said: “Jordan’s plans for his birthday were frankly insane, wildly overestimating how much money I have and how many friends he has.

“Also we had party dwarves at a corporate do I went to in Amsterdam once. They don’t half put it away and you don’t want to cross them.”