HELLO there! I’m Oliver O’Connor, a Nottingham primary school teacher, and this is my girlfriend Lucy Parry. But people keep shouting a different name at her in the street. 

Apparently she’s quite big online? I don’t know much about that kind of thing. I haven’t joined any social media since MySpace. Give me the real world any day!

Yes, I understand she has some kind of online account, though she assures me she’s not one of those despicable influencers. I should think it’s like my mate Daz, who tells me he’s quite the known name on Guardian football comments.

Still, I’m astonished by the rudeness of some people. Just because she posts a few pictures of herself in nice little outfits on Instagram, they think they can shout whatever they like at her. Including some language I would describe as ‘spicy’.

‘Dirty box bitch’ was one comment. I asked her to explain but she demurred and it doesn’t do to push a lady into an answer! I assume it’s an innocent Shein unboxing video random men are projecting their sexual fetishes onto. These perverts defile everything.

The irony is, despite her wholesome beauty, Lucy’s actually not much of a one for sex. She doesn’t even like me to see her naked, changing into her striped pyjamas before I’m upstairs, and well, we’re a lights-off couple.

Sometimes when she’s had a particularly hard day at work – January was taxing for her, I know that – she’ll even sleep in the spare room. And I don’t object because I respect her boundaries.

So that’s me and Lucy. Just an ordinary, boring young couple in their mid-20s. What this ‘Bonnie Blue’ business is I have no idea. I suppose I could Google it.