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Britain asked to believe its police are fervent anti-racists

THE British public has been invited to believe its police forces are so passionately opposed to racism in any form they willingly cover up crimes. 

The Casey report into grooming gangs accuses police of not recording the ethnicity of criminals because of their core belief that race is immaterial when it comes to crime, which certainly aligns with the police the public knows.

Jim Bates of Coventry said: “I think it’s possible the police simply didn’t notice the ethnicities of anyone involved. That’s how committed they are to not seeing colour.

“If anyone’s ever heard anything to the contrary, for example police singling out the black and Asian communities with stop-and-search policies or wrongful arrests, I’ve never heard of it. Imagine if that happened. The nation would riot.

“No, the problem is our police are so committed to eradicating racism they couldn’t trust the public with this kind of data. Sadly, not everyone is as enlightened as they are.”

Detective inspector Steve Malley said: “You should see our force’s WhatsApp groups. When we’re not calling out racist microaggressions we’re debating penalties for misgendering.”

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Nap will either revitalise your day or totally f**k you up

A SHORT afternoon nap will either refresh and recharge you in just 20 minutes or leave you in a stumbling daze for the rest of the day, it has emerged. 

Unlike the guaranteed benefits of eight hours’ sleep, a mid-afternoon nap is a gamble that could energise you for an afternoon Teams meeting or sink you into a bleary, groggy world while also giving you a weird taste in your mouth.

Web designer and nap-taker Joe Turner said: “Think of napping as sleeping for reckless impulsives who live life on the edge and reject your softcore REM bullshit.

“Will you emerge from your slumber with a renewed vigour, or will you jolt awake filled with an abstract terror? Will you be trapped in the hazy, half-awake world of the nap for hours, or spring up feeling never more alive?

“Like a game of Russian roulette, the uncertainty is part of the thrill. It’s what keeps my coming back for more every day after I’ve had my lunch and watched Bargain Hunt.”

Fellow homeworker Nikki Hollis said: “No matter how you prepare, a nap can go either way. Some of my best naps have been spent hunched over my desk like a shrimp, comforted by the knowledge I’m getting paid for nodding out.

“If you want the experience of a bad nap? Don’t set an alarm. You could come to hours later, phone ringing, momentarily afraid it’s the next day, heartbeat through the roof. Now that’s a buzz.”

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