What you're terrified you did while drinking last night vs what you actually did

MORNING! Oh God, what did you do? How did unwinding with three bottles of wine lead to this? What is your pickled brain claiming happened and did it?

Started a fight with a bouncer

The ‘bouncer’ in question was a wheelie bin. It took no offence to your proclamations of it being a twat, which only seemed to inflame you more. Though you calmed down very quickly when you took a breather on a bench. In fact you slept, callously, while the bin lay wounded on one side.

Tried to seduce your mate’s girlfriend

This may have been what you thought you were doing. All anyone saw was you tell her that her hair ‘looked nice like a sunshine’ then pass out using her coat as a pillow. Occasionally your nose twitched adorably, like a rabbit’s.

Endangered yourself

Your brief stint in a shopping trolley wasn’t the safest mode of travel, but it was hardly a drunk driving rampage. Especially as the bloke pushing you got bored after 15 feet and you only realised when you woke up 30 minutes later.

Talked too much

No, due to spending the bulk of the night unconscious.

Made a tit of yourself in a way that will never, ever be forgotten

Your behaviour was likely tit-adjacent, but nobody cares or remembers, apart from the respect you get for a 20-minute snooze by the dancefloor at Popworld. Your mates are all busy cringingly combing through their own hazy memories of flashing a boob at an Uber.

Spent shitloads

This happened. Somewhere between naps you whipped out your debit card, bought sambuca shots and a round of some cocktail with a f**king sparkler in. This cost a week’s shopping budget, and not from Aldi.

Sweating, gasping, red-faced mess of a man confirms he is enjoying curry

A MAN who is simultaneously sweating, weeping, gasping from exertion and emitting smoke claims he is thoroughly enjoying his meal. 

Stephen Malley ordered the hottest curry on the restaurant’s menu to prove he is not intimidated by other cultures, and is consuming the dish fearlessly while looking liable to detonate at any moment.

Friend Tom Booker said: “The waiter explained he was legally obliged to warn us of the strength of Naga chillies which Steve lapped up, explaining he’s had both types of chilli, both red and green.

“He cleared two pints of Stella before it arrived and has continued to drink throughout, against all advice, while scooping curry in between desperate gasps. Meanwhile I had a lovely tarka dahl.”

Malley said: “I like a hot curry. It does turn my skin bright red, makes me perspire heavily from my bald spot, and I’ll smell strongly of spices for the next 72 hours, but all that just makes the meal memorable.

“Yes, currently I can’t feel my teeth or tongue, sweat keeps dripping off my nose and the white-hot hiccups have begun – no, they’re not convulsions, I’m fine – but this is bloody lovely. Lots of subtle notes, or there were when I still had taste buds.

“Can someone reassure the waiter that I’m only taking a quick breather, not finished? I’d tell him myself only I’m blind.”