Are you Wayne Rooney?

ARE you unsure whether you might be the former England skipper Wayne Rooney? Here are some telltale signs you might be him.

Eric Clapton, and other celebrities who have gone full gammon thanks to Covid

WHILE Covid has made heroes of some, it's forced several celebrities into becoming raving lunatics. Here are the worst.

Your legal questions answered, by Tommy Robinson

TOMMY Robinson is in the shit again after losing a libel case against a bullied Syrian teenager. Class. With his extensive knowledge of English law, here he answers your legal questions.

Memoir largely about all the birds I've shagged, confirms Harry

PRINCE Harry has revealed his forthcoming memoir will mainly be about his sex life and shooting the Taliban, with a self-help bit at the end to keep the wife happy.

And to top that we've put the first twat in space, England realises

ENGLAND fans depressed after yesterday’s loss have remembered yesterday also saw the country put the first twat in space.

Strictly, and five other activities Gareth Southgate is now exempt from

AFTER beating the Queen to become the most adored person in the country, the England manager can leave these activities to lesser beings.

Diana statue a bit much

THE newly-unveiled statue of Princess Diana is a bit too much, Britain has agreed.

How to read too much into the Diana statue ceremony: A Daily Mail guide

THERE'S nothing the country’s most popular hate rag enjoys more than a Diana story. Here’s how its soulless hacks will misinterpret the statue unveiling to fit its agenda.

And it's all thanks to Prince George, Ed Sheeran and David f**king Beckham

ENGLAND triumphed over Germany because of the incredible combination of Ed Sheeran, David Beckham and seven-year-old Prince George, according to the media.

Chris Whitty discovers new, more dickheaded strain of Covidiot

PROFESSOR Chris Whitty has discovered an even more dickheaded Covidiot variant while walking through a London park, he has confirmed.