Chris Martin's guide to who you are without Wembley Stadium shouting 'you're awesome'

HEY, Britain’s top pop public schoolboy Chris Martin here. It’s been a tough year for me not having my ego ridiculously validated. Here’s how I’ve coped.

Bill Gates's wife leaving him for Clippy

MELINDA Gates is divorcing the billionaire co-founder of Microsoft for the company’s animated paperclip assistant, she has admitted.

Why your relationship is a squalid knee-trembler compared to the magnificent love of William and Kate

THERE has never been a love as pure, as selfless or as holy as that of William and Kate. Compared to their marriage, yours is a sordid shag in a back-alley.

Elon Musk, and five other men that straight men secretly fancy

PURPORTEDLY straight, but utterly infatuated with famous blokes? Here are the six men that give straight guys a heterosexual boner.

William and Harry

How Harry and William will be kept out of pinching distance

THE funeral of the Duke of Edinburgh today is a sombre occasion which William and Harry cannot be allowed to ruin by pinching. Here’s how it will be avoided.

Six inappropriate ways Britons will be remembering Prince Philip

SOME members of the public take any solemn event as an opportunity to throw good taste out of the window. If you’re doing any of these things to remember Prince Philip, reconsider. 

Why I should be the centre of attention at a funeral, by Prince Andrew

ONLY a self-centred idiot would make a funeral all about them. Here Prince Andrew explains why he should be the centre of attention as the nation mourns.

How to have an arse-clenchingly awkward family reunion, by William and Harry

FALLEN out? Want the next family get-together to be sphincter-tighteningly awkward for everyone? Princes William and Harry explain how.

Five places to hide if you're not that into the Royal family

YOU don’t hate the Royals, but nor are you particularly interested. If so, here are some great places to avoid the blanket coverage for the next two weeks.

Prince Philip: A life spent not giving a bugger what you think

TODAY the UK is mourning Prince Philip, the Duke of Edinburgh, who has sadly passed on after 99 years not giving a bugger what anyone thinks about him.

'You f**king calling me a liar?' says Archbishop of Canterbury

THE Archbishop of Canterbury has told Harry and Meghan that if they want to call him a liar he will come round and they can do it to his f**king face.

Unclogging the shower drain, and five other things James McAvoy could make sexy

HAVING given all Britain the horn simply by drying a dish on The Great British Bake Off, here are other mundane activities James McAvoy could turn into pure filth.