And to top that we've put the first twat in space, England realises

ENGLAND fans depressed after yesterday’s loss have remembered yesterday also saw the country put the first twat in space.

Strictly, and five other activities Gareth Southgate is now exempt from

AFTER beating the Queen to become the most adored person in the country, the England manager can leave these activities to lesser beings.

Diana statue a bit much

THE newly-unveiled statue of Princess Diana is a bit too much, Britain has agreed.

How to read too much into the Diana statue ceremony: A Daily Mail guide

THERE'S nothing the country’s most popular hate rag enjoys more than a Diana story. Here’s how its soulless hacks will misinterpret the statue unveiling to fit its agenda.

And it's all thanks to Prince George, Ed Sheeran and David f**king Beckham

ENGLAND triumphed over Germany because of the incredible combination of Ed Sheeran, David Beckham and seven-year-old Prince George, according to the media.

Chris Whitty discovers new, more dickheaded strain of Covidiot

PROFESSOR Chris Whitty has discovered an even more dickheaded Covidiot variant while walking through a London park, he has confirmed.

How to give your child a f**king ridiculous name: a celebrity guide

CELEBRITY? Had a baby? Keen to make it an accessory to your glittering life, rather than allowing it an identity of its own? Follow our naming guide.

Lilibet Diana Mountbatten-Windsor: Padded-out bullshit details of her inspirational life so far

SHE’S been born and she’s got a name, but what else do we know about the eighth in line to the throne? Here’s every spurious factoid pulled out of our arse to keep you happy.

Seven reactions to a baby named Lilibet

HARRY and Meghan have announced the birth of their second child, Lilibet Diana. Here are seven reactions to have.

An EastEnders/Corrie crossover: The Queen's plans for her Platinum Jubilee

THE Queen is giving Britons an extra bank holiday, five grams of cocaine and a big cake each for her Platinum Jubilee next year. And that’s just to start with: