How Harry and William will be kept out of pinching distance

THE funeral of the Duke of Edinburgh today is a sombre occasion which William and Harry cannot be allowed to ruin by pinching. Here’s how it will be avoided.

Six inappropriate ways Britons will be remembering Prince Philip

SOME members of the public take any solemn event as an opportunity to throw good taste out of the window. If you’re doing any of these things to remember Prince Philip, reconsider. 

Why I should be the centre of attention at a funeral, by Prince Andrew

ONLY a self-centred idiot would make a funeral all about them. Here Prince Andrew explains why he should be the centre of attention as the nation mourns.

How to have an arse-clenchingly awkward family reunion, by William and Harry

FALLEN out? Want the next family get-together to be sphincter-tighteningly awkward for everyone? Princes William and Harry explain how.

Five places to hide if you're not that into the Royal family

YOU don’t hate the Royals, but nor are you particularly interested. If so, here are some great places to avoid the blanket coverage for the next two weeks.

Prince Philip: A life spent not giving a bugger what you think

TODAY the UK is mourning Prince Philip, the Duke of Edinburgh, who has sadly passed on after 99 years not giving a bugger what anyone thinks about him.

'You f**king calling me a liar?' says Archbishop of Canterbury

THE Archbishop of Canterbury has told Harry and Meghan that if they want to call him a liar he will come round and they can do it to his f**king face.

Unclogging the shower drain, and five other things James McAvoy could make sexy

HAVING given all Britain the horn simply by drying a dish on The Great British Bake Off, here are other mundane activities James McAvoy could turn into pure filth.

'Get f**ked, baldy': a transcript of the Harry-William phone call

A PHONE call to patch up differences between Prince William and Prince Harry went badly. The Daily Mash has the transcript.

Royal Family only family without racists in it

THE Royal family is the only family in Britain without a single racist member, Buckingham Palace has confirmed.